I Spent All My Time in the After

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve known exactly what to do…

And then I did the complete opposite. 

My thoughts used to eat me alive over this. 

All the energy spent on

Overthinking 

Overanalyzing 

Arguing when I didn’t want to argue. 

Saying yes when I really wanted to say no. 

Why? 

Why when I knew exactly what I wanted to do, what I wanted to say- did I not? 

Why did I get stuck in the frozen zone? 

Why did I keep saying and doing the opposite of what I wanted? 

Of what I knew I needed? 

Maybe it’s not because we don’t know. 

I started realizing that I wasn’t seeing the moment I was inside of it. 

I spent all my time in the after. 

Replaying what I could have, should have – done.

All the things that I didn’t do. 

I made excuses. 

I pretended it was fine. 

But it wasn’t fine. 

How could I see it while I was in it? 

How could I start changing it while I was in it, so that I didn’t keep wasting energy sorting through coulda, woulda, shoulda? 

I stopped asking: 

Why am I stuck? 

And started asking: 

When is the pattern starting? 

I stopped looking back to see where I went wrong.

I started looking back to see when I first knew I had another choice. 

When did I know I had another option?

What was it about that moment? 

What would change the outcome? 

I’ve spent decades of my life observing this – on others and in myself.

I realized something I wish I’d understood years ago… 

Knowing isn’t the hard part. 

The hard part is noticing the pattern before you automatically choose the familiar response. 

Because now that you know…

 you can’t unknow it. 

But what exactly do you do with the knowledge?

Do you let it frustrate you? 

Keep you frozen? 

Or does it throw you into chaos? 

Trying to force the information to fit? 

So many different paths we choose right here. 

Today is about being honest with ourselves about how we handle not knowing what to do with the information.

Tomorrow…

 We transform our response.

And we map a pattern together. 

Reflection Questions:

• What’s something you already know- but struggle to live? 
• Can you remember a moment you knew you wanted to respond differently? 
• What usually happens between that moment- and your response? 
• What do you think you’re protecting in that space? 

Watch the convo that inspired this reflection here: