The moment I Stopped Looking for Someone to Blame

Blame is so interesting. 

It has never taken me anywhere I actually wanted to go. 

I’ve never walked away from an argument where I was yelling, 

“You did this,”

Feeling closer to the person in front of me. 

Or feeling closer to myself. 

I’ve known that for a long time. 

Knowing it, though, didn’t stop me from reacting that way when I was angry. 

It never felt good during it. 

And it never felt good after. 

Eventually, I stopped trying to prove I was right. 

I started looking for clarity instead. 

Every time I noticed myself getting angry, I made myself pause. 

No more excuses. 

I’d close my eyes.

Take a breath. 

Remind myself that I didn’t have to hear every uncomfortable conversation as an attack. 

I could choose curiosity instead. 

Slowly, something started changing. 

Not because life became easier. 

Not because people stopped hurting me. 

Because I stopped feeding the reaction. 

Our conversations became calmer.

Deeper. 

We weren’t trying to win anymore. 

We were trying to understand. 

Then something happened that I didn’t expect.

The same shift started happening inside me. 

As I continued doing this work, old memories started resurfacing. 

Moments that hurt. 

Moments that changed me. 

Moments that I wished never happened. 

For a while, I kept asking myself who I would have been if they hadn’t. 

Eventually, I got tired. 

Not tired of healing.

Tired of searching for what hurt me. 

Honestly… I didn’t care anymore. 

I didn’t want to spend my life thinking about everything that broke me. 

I wanted to spend my life thinking about what made me come alive. 

Growing up was about surviving. 

Then it was about making sure my son survived. 

Now… 

It was less about surviving and more about being truly alive. 

That changed everything. 

When anger shows up now, I don’t try to pretend it isn’t there. 

Anger is valuable.

It points. 

It reveals. 

It shines a light on places that still need love. 

But it doesn’t have to become who I am. 

I can’t choose which emotions arise.

But I can choose what I do next. 

I can breathe. 

I can get curious. 

I can understand. 

I can come back to myself. 

Because the longer I stayed focused on the people who hurt me – the longer they continued shaping my life. 

The moment I shifted my attention back to myself – everything started changing. 

I stopped asking 

“Who should I blame?”

I started asking, 

“How do I want to live?”

That question changed everything. 

Reflection Questions: 

• What has been holding your attention lately? 
• Is your energy going towards what hurt you… or what brings you to life? 
• What emotion has been trying to teach you something? 
• What would change if you looked for clarity instead of blame? 
• Where could you choose yourself today?