The Rise and Fall of Relationships

Relationships are wild. 

The things that I have seen and experienced through myself and others have been absolutely mind boggling. 

For as long as I can remember I have been absolutely fascinated with humans and the way that we work. I constantly find myself exploring new avenues that deepen my understanding and expand the knowledge that I have in all areas of this field. 

The brain has always been my favorite part of the human body to study. 

When I was a kid I fell off a ladder and hit my head on a concrete block. 

It knocked me out and I would find out over 2 decades later that it rotated my brain. 

All the weird medical mysteries about me as a kid were suddenly explained. 

It affected my ability to retain new information, hear and process sounds, balance, and fundamentally changed who I was. 

For a long time I felt a deep sense of grief for all that I had lost, for the girl I should have been, for all that I would not be. 

It made me resentful towards others. I didn’t admit that. In fact – I went the opposite way and I pretended my heart out that it didn’t bother me at all. 

It made my struggles seem so much louder. 

I couldn’t escape how much harder everything was for me and every time anyone pointed out something that happened “easily” for me- I snapped. I wanted to fight them because how dare they give me a hard time about one thing being easy for me when absolutely EVERYTHING is hard for me. 

I was angry. I was sad. I wanted to go back and change that one moment. 

Every time someone around me was ungrateful, complaining, or negative in any way- it made my blood boil. 

They had no idea how good they had it. 

It also made it obvious to me every time life came and hit them in the ass. 

I could understand it. 

They needed to learn. 

They were unappreciative of all that life gives them each day. So blinded by what they don’t have- that they can’t even see all that they do. 

It made me sick. 

It made me sad. 

I thought, “If I had their life- I would live it. I would appreciate every second of it and I would do so much more with it”. 

Then I stopped dead in my tracks. 

I looked around at all the people. So many people are struggling with so many things – I could feel it all over them. 

How many people were looking at me thinking “If I had her life, I would live it”? 

How many people were looking at me thinking “she never appreciates anything”. 

It didn’t honestly matter who thought anything about me- but those questions made me realize that I was everything I hated. 

Everything I judged – was within me. 

It was so deep down that I couldn’t even see it until suddenly, I could. 

I knew I would never move the same way again. I would never be able to think like this again without seeing the truth.  

The problem was me. 

I was the thing that needed to change.

Life kept kicking me because I wasn’t learning the lessons. 

I wasn’t even aware that I was supposed to be learning anything! I was so focused on what everyone else was doing that I couldn’t see myself.  

I was going to change everything! 

But then I realized, I had no idea what to do… or where to start… or who to turn to… 

I felt stuck with this new information. 

I wanted directions, I wanted a guide. 

I stalled out. 

I fell back into the same patterns, but they were short lived because I could see it all so clearly. 

I couldn’t keep living like this and having rollercoaster relationships. 

I hibernated a bit. I didn’t date, I didn’t hang out with my friends often. 

I just wanted to grieve whatever it was I was grieving so deeply in my soul. 

I felt called to being alone. 

With every chunk of time I spend alone- comes a rebirth. New relationships, new lessons, a new version of myself that I get to meet.

Over the years I have been blessed with some of the most wonderful humans on the planet. They make learning the lessons fun. The instant connections we share, the stories we tell, it’s life changing. The things that I have learned from all of these beautiful relationships that have blessed my life have changed my entire world. 

One of the my favorite things about every single relationship that I have in my life is the freedom we give each other to get lost in our own lives. 

We reach out to each other randomly – no amount of time passed is too much – and we meet each other exactly where we are at that moment. 

We listen to each other and we guide where we can – but we are allowed to be whoever we need to be. 

We weren’t always this way- but we learn together and it has been so much fun learning how to evolve with other humans.

People need a safe space to be exactly who they are. Boundaries shouldn’t be ultimatums. 

If you don’t align- go separate ways. Seriously- just say “Hey! I am feeling pulled to take some space from putting energy here and I am not sure why.” and the other person should be able to say “Hey! That’s okay! I’m always here and know I will be cheering for you over here!” 

No other thoughts or energy needs to go into it. 

If you are meant to come back together- you will. 

If not, you won’t. 

It is truly as simple as that. 

What you had is no longer continuing and that is okay. Life is making room for something that is coming. 

And guess what!?

You don’t have to think about that either! 

Nothing meant for you will miss you. You don’t have to plan and overthink all the details. 

All you need is to sit still for a moment and breathe. 

Listen to your body as you focus on your breath. 

Innnnnnnnnnnnnnn

And 

Ouuuutttttttttttttttttttt

In this state of calm – you can hear the things that make you peaceful. 

The more you practice this – the more your automatic (unconscious) energy will move towards peace naturally.

Then you take the energy that you previously put into that relationship- and you put it into whatever makes you feel energized, calm, peaceful – WHATEVER ENERGY YOU DESIRE – that is what you go towards. 

It is important to remember that even when it doesn’t feel like it- we are truly choosing our thoughts and what energy we truly desire. 

If you are pulling in things that feel like more of what you don’t want- it is probably a belief that needs shifting. 

Those beliefs run DEEP and there are a lot of sneaky little guys that are running the show behind the scenes. The cool part is- once you acknowledge them, that’s typically all you need. 

Honesty with yourself allows the rest to organically start to unfold. 

It is a lot harder for the ones that are just getting started because at that stage, there is so much that we don’t know. There is so much blind faith that is needed and most of us don’t have any solid – believable visual representation that makes us truly believe that anything, other than what we currently know, is possible. 

For a long time, people have had to drag me along because I dug my heels in when things were changing. Fear had me frozen solid.

But if I can break through- we all can. That’s why I do all of the things that I do. 

I want to make sure that people know they are not alone. The places this journey has taken me makes me want to shout it from the rooftops to keep to going. 

But back then I was so stuck in fear because I had no problem believing that worse things were possible. I couldn’t wrap my brain around the idea that great things were also possible.

It felt like if I truly believed that, life would take away important pieces to prove to me that I was wrong. 

In moments like those, it didn’t feel like I was choosing anything. 

I was honestly just trying to survive because my belief was that life was going to keep knocking me out and taking things from me. Experience said that was true. 

Rerouting my beliefs and learning to regulate my nervous system meant learning how to balance my survival mode. 

Honestly, it meant learning how to shut it off. 

I learned by trusting that I didn’t need my defense mechanisms anymore.

 I needed to trust fully in myself and that whatever comes up in the future, I will have the tools I need when I need them. 

I will have hard times- but I will find my way, I will learn my lessons- and I will thrive. 

I have to trust in the journey, for all of us. 

I sat in that understanding – A LOT. 

Sometimes all I felt like I was doing was sitting and breathing and saying that out loud. 

But that’s okay. 

I was rerouting lifetime sh!t.

Rerouting this belief in myself, strengthened everything about my internal relationship, which naturally developed every other relationship in my life. 

Every single trigger became a test – a lesson to find more love- kindness, empathy- without taxing myself. That meant being truly in alignment with allowing each human to be an individual, as well as being honest in my judgements and what I struggled with. 

It meant trusting the natural path of each of my relationships. It meant a lot of letting go. 

Letting go of control is scary, but the moment I started to learn how to let go  it became crystal clear that I was never in control. 

It took so much pressure off of my plate and I could see clearly how beautiful the other side was.

I started greeting my challenges, and learned to let the energy out instead of storing it within. I healed – those around me healed. Life changed and this time, I found it absolutely beautiful. 

It changed my entire world in ways that I never could have dreamed. 

Stay present. 

Be love. 

Be here.