Getting stuck in anger

I used to believe that anger came from the outside in. I had a lot of experiences that kept me believing in that truth. 

It wasn’t until I recently wrote a new blog for y’all that I realized that I need to adjust how I see anger. I realized as I wrote it that I was still really angry at certain people. I was angry about the way that they had behaved, the way that they treated me, the way that they treated others.

I knew that they were wrong. While I am not incorrect I am not right in my behavior either. 

 I am trying to control something that I cannot control. 

I am allowing their actions to affect who I am as a person.
I am allowing their words to freeze me, to change me, to influence the way that I move in my life. 

I have said that I am done allowing these people to affect me, more times than I am even aware of. Trying to get over the things that they have done to me, is how I have spent the majority of these healing years that I have been so caught up in. 

I discovered that healing isn’t linear and as many times as I have thought “I did it! I let this go!” I always find myself back here, not letting it go. 

It’s so conflicting because I am never special in these moments. It’s not like I am the one and only human that they treat this way. They do it all over their lives. That is the part that really gets me. They have no understanding that they are choosing all of this. There are so many other options, yet they think that this is the only way. 

It makes me mad at versions of myself where I have been this person. 

It makes me mad that this version of others still exists. 

It makes me want to control it, change it, shake them and make them see what they are truly doing. 

It frustrates me, because I can’t. 

Not the way I am trying to do it anyway. 

I cannot force anyone into seeing anything that they don’t want to see. 

I cannot make anyone look at themselves when they are so caught up in blaming others. 

I cannot make anyone change. 

Change comes within, just like nobody could make me change. 

It all unfolded exactly as it was supposed to when I was ready to receive it. Even when I didn’t feel ready, even if I never would have thought that I could be “ready” for a lot of the lessons that have come my way, I made it through them, and I keep letting them change me. I keep finding deeper meaning in everything that I have been through, and continue to go through and I keep finding ways to connect with others. 

But, this. This is where my anger comes from. 

I have a pattern of freezing. Allowing things to stop me from moving forward, to steer me away from the nudges of my soul. 

I never give up, but I allow their doubt to flood in and freeze me. I have done this my entire life.

So many what if’s flood my background. 

Even when I am sure that I have let it go, my anxiety spills into my body language. It spills into my sleep. It’s running consistently in the background, whether I admit that or not, it is there.   

I know, deep down- that none of it matters. Yet something in the background tells me it does. 

I live in an eternal state of confliction not knowing quite how to truly let this go. 

Angry people are tough for a lot of us because the experiences we have had with angry people have been like bombs dropping into our lives. You walk on eggshells and you know that nothing you do will ever be good enough, yet you find yourself trying so hard for them only to find that they are so clouded in their anger that they can’t even see you. 

It hurts. It really, really hurts. 

They break your heart repeatedly, but, if you are like me, you find it extremely hard to walk away because then they have those good moments. You see the side of them that you desire. They are showing you that what you know exists, is true. Empathy spills in and this incredible gift allows you to understand why they behave the way that they do. You think that patience will persevere. You believe that something will change and this will be the new normal. You don’t want to give up on them because you absolutely KNOW that they can do this. They can get out of their own way and see all the beautiful things that await them on the other side. You don’t want to quit on them like so much of the world has. You love them deeply. 

I’ve been here, over and over again so many times in my life with so many different people, allowing myself to be hurt, repeatedly.

It is an eye opening look back at the past, my patterns. I am not meant to simply let this go. I have not learned what I needed. That is why I am here again, why I am struggling so internally and holding onto my anger. 

It is time to accept that I am not meant to save people and that is not a bad thing. That is not what I am here to do. Just because I have this magical gift that allows me to see the best in everyone I meet, does not mean that person must be those things. People aren’t meant to be perfect. People aren’t meant to stay static. We are supposed to be free to live our lives however we see fit. The good, the bad and everything in between. 

I am meant to take space when people aren’t being good to me. I am not supposed to sacrifice myself. I am not supposed to take the things that I do because I know it’s not all bad, because I don’t want to abandon them, because I don’t want them to hurt more. 

I am supposed to save myself. Value myself. 

I am supposed to leave, take the space, ask the hard questions, and trust the journey through all the ebbs and flows with others. I  must truly believe that anyone meant for me, will come back to me however that looks. When people are in my space – when people get my time, they are kind, they are genuine, even in those hard moments- they are working, they are breaking through things. 

People that pass the blame, aren’t ready for me and I have moved on from that space. 

People in those spaces don’t need someone to force them to do better, people in those spaces need things that make them see themselves more clearly and sometimes, leaving does just that. 

They need to find their own path to self acceptance, to a more peaceful way of life. They need to find their route into their own inner work, and if they aren’t ready for that- staying, will only force more negative reactions. 

I am aware now that I have been slowing down my work because I am so aware of how many people I make uncomfortable. I saw a lot of negative reactions to being myself, and I saw that a lot growing up. I found myself in scary situations, around scary people and a lot of people hurled their fears into hateful reactions my way. It made me doubt myself. It made me doubt this world. That never changed. In fact, it was amplified. 

If I really want to do what I am here to do, that cannot be a worry of mine anymore. 

I need to breathe. I need to trust. This is my journey for a reason, and wherever it leads me, is where I am meant to be. I must trust that I will have all the tools that I need when the time arises and give the energy that I have spent in overthinking- to diving in deeper to what lights my soul on fire. 

I must let the desire to heal others go. 

It’s like gambling when you need the money. 

I need to create with nothing in mind, but the feeling that it is right. 

I must trust that whatever it is meant to do- it will do. 

The pressure I have created within, is unnecessary and I have been making it bigger than it is because I was afraid to let it go. 

People that hurl their hurt- scare me because I see the bigger picture of all that it does. I have seen a lifetime of the absolute monsters that it creates, and people really don’t see their part in it, they just blame the monster. And the majority of the time, when people are pushed and pushed and pushed, it’s not the person that pushed them that they hurt. It’s the ones that are trying to help, it’s the good ones that it falls onto. It creates tragedies, but again- people only blame the monster. They don’t see how all of these other actions created the bigger picture. It’s scary. I have known this since I was so small. I have feared it for a lifetime. 

This is not the story I am writing anymore though. I know that fear all the way through. Now it is time to trust. 

To let the anger go, I must focus more deeply on peace. What is bringing my peace, what feels right to me, where life wants to lead me. 

Here’s to letting life lead the way, and to trusting that it will all be as it should.