Movement

When I started teaching yoga years ago, I heard a lot of the same excuses from others that I had also given before I ever started yoga. 

A list of reasons why it wasn’t for me, or I couldn’t do it, etc. etc.

I didn’t even want to try. 

For years I had the opportunities to go but I denied them all. 

It didn’t feel right to me, and when a friend of mine finally got me to try it because she was going to try a 4 week beginning series, and she didn’t want to do it alone, I got to learn that I was right. 

It wasn’t for me. 

It was absolutely terrible. 

I knew that I was never coming back when this 4 week series was over.

I couldn’t do a single move without struggling. 

I couldn’t bend or breathe. 

Holding poses felt murderous. My brain and body spiraling- screaming at me to run away from whatever this was that I was doing. 

Then the craziest thing happened. 

As the 4 weeks came to an end, I found myself signing up for a hot yoga class, by myself. 

My friend decided she was over it, and so was I… I had a solid out! If she bailed, I could bail! This was her idea after all. 

So why was I signing up for a hot yoga class instead of going to the bar like I wanted to do? 

Then another miracle happened. 

I actually showed up for the class. 

I felt so out of place and awkward. I didn’t know anyone and looking around the room I noticed that everyone in the room was in shape, bendy and obviously belonged here. 

Then there was me. I couldn’t touch my toes. I was sweating profusely already and the class hadn’t even started yet. I was just laying on my mat.    I was definitely going to die.  

It took approximately 5 minutes for my brain to completely fall into a panic. 

Why was the room so hot!? How has it only been 5 minutes!? 

Then class started. 

You want us to do what? 

I was lost the entire time, constantly looking around trying to mimic everyone else. 

I couldn’t relax or close my eyes. 

I was completely out of my element. 

This was the wrong decision. 

I should be at the bar. 

The entire time that I was in the class, I knew in my SOUL that I was NEVER coming back. 

Then class ended. 

A girl that had crushed that class came up to me as I was packing up my mat and told me that she’d kill for my ability to twist! 

I did it. 

I survived and thrived!! 

I decided that maybe I would try it ONE more time. You know, just to be sure that I absolutely hated it. 

I signed up for a month. 

WHAT WAS I DOING!?!?!

I had never experienced such a split between my body and my mind. While they both agreed it was a terrible idea to ever come back here- they both kept moving me further into it. 

About three weeks into it, I honestly couldn’t see any progress and I was still hating every second of it.

I was so hot all the time and uncomfortable in my skin. 

It felt like a constant reminder of how far I had fallen. 

And then it happened. 

I touched my toes. 

I TOUCHED MY TOES. 

Flexibility has always been a weak link of mine. Even when I was in (what I thought was) the prime of my athletic life , I was stiff and I had a lot of pain in my body. 

I also had to keep in mind that I wasn’t that athlete anymore. 

I was far from it. 

I was in a really dark place when I started yoga. I was absolutely buried in grief and I felt like I had completely lost myself.  

I had gained an excessive amount of weight quickly and I was constricted by my body. 

I felt miserable. 

I didn’t recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror.

 So I avoided it.

In yoga though, that wasn’t an option. 

The whole room was a mirror. 

But then I touched my toes. 

Something clicked. 

It was me that was holding myself back by thinking that I couldn’t. 

All of those excuses that I used to give were bullshit. 

I could do anything I wanted. 

I found myself obsessed with the need to learn how to move my body. 

I said goodbye to the way I had been thinking and I dove all in. 

Now, here I am- 8 years later. 

I am so glad that I started. 

My entire life changed its course. 

While it didn’t wave a magic wand and make my life easier, I liked what I was working towards and creating so much more life. It felt like coming home. The challenges excited me and evolved me. 

It taught me to question my resistance so that I could start to raise my awareness around my own self doubt and the thoughts that were holding me back. 

It paved the way for everything that was to come. 

Through movement, I freed myself in ways I never thought were possible. 

I am so grateful I never gave up. 

JOURNAL: 

What has been calling your name? 

Are you moving towards it? 

❤