11/27/23 – Mississippi

I wrote this (almost) a year ago. I am still working on all of this. It takes repetition, hearing and experiencing it in different ways to truly understand this life we are living, ourselves, others, our purpose, our passions. All of it. This is proof that we are forever a work of art- evolving throughout our time here. We will work through things in layers, and somethings don’t shed easily or overnight.

No matter what,

Just keep going.

I promise you, it is worth it. Over and over and over again.

The sun will always rise.

I thought that I had to change him to get what I wanted. It was when I realized that I needed to change my reaction to him to get what I wanted. 

I wanted peace. 

I kept feeling defensive, on edge. 

I was preparing for war. I was using the same weapons. Going tit for tat. 

That isn’t the way to peace. 

I know that. 

Yet I couldn’t stop reacting. 

I couldn’t stop being defensive. 

How I react is everything. 

It is what I take on. 

It is what I think – feel – do. 

It’s what I take in while I’m here. 

If I don’t like the way he reacts I must find a way to meet him with peace. 

Wave the white flag at the first sign of possible change. 

Bring it back to what this is all about. 

Love. 

Peace. 

Understanding. 

Allowing each other to be raw, real. 

There is no place for war if you crave true vulnerability. 

To be truly vulnerable, you must be allowed a space to be truly authentic and I haven’t seen much of that in my time here. 

Even within myself, the more I learn that nothing is as it seems, the more I see how much of myself I have hidden away and why. 

I am ridding myself of the voices. The judgments. The anger. The fear. I’m leaving it here in Mississippi. 

It was foolish of me to put it off for so long, but hey, sometimes I just need to be foolish. 

I let the mean girl get to me.

And then I pretended it didn’t bother me. 

I talked about it. 

I thought about it. 

I wanted to control it. 

I wanted to defend myself. 

I cried. 

I felt defeated. 

I felt dread. 

I felt anger. 

I felt betrayed. 

Lied to. 

Afraid.

And then I realized… dominating a situation isn’t love- it isn’t powerful – it is avoidance. It is resistance. It is fear. It is a million things that has nothing to do with you. 

I thought about times that I had reacted similarly in different situations. 

Situations that I thought my reactions were completely justified. 

Looking back on those moments I realized they weren’t. 

I just realized why people like this get my attention so much. 

They are the worst ones to me. 

It’s not the people we think we should fear and that’s what makes me so mad. They are their own form of injustice. Spreading fear- lies- and doing anything to fit their agenda / story in their head. 

Those people are everywhere. 

They have no idea how powerful they are, they have no idea how much they are holding things up.

They have no idea how much more difficult they are making everything when it doesn’t need to be. 

And the most infuriating thing about it to me is that it spreads hate everywhere. It’s so normalized that a lot of humans don’t even know what to do if it isn’t complaining. 

I know because I was that person. 

Hell, I might still be that person as I am writing this. It is my hopes to not be by the time I am done. 

If I can help myself, I can help anyone that relates to it. Every single one of you that read these words and just get it- you can apply every single thing to your own stories, your own experience and reroute any way you want. 

You can literally do anything that you want to do. 

My goal is to do everything to bring more good energy. More peace. 

I am working hard to change my thinking and my reactions away from defensive and self serving and more of love and light. I have always felt more connected to that. Survival mode isn’t working anymore and I honestly can’t say that it ever has. 

I honestly think a conversation can fix anything. 

However, an emotional conversation can cause damage. It can be a roller coaster. If heightened everything can quickly go south. 

It’s all about the conversations. 

I wasn’t ready. 

But I am now. 

I can’t get emotional about the wild cards. 

The loose cannons. 

Meeting emotion with emotion is the harder path. 

I must become a reflection. 

Nothing that touches me gets an immediate reaction. 

Breathe. 

Nothing gets to stay in my brain. 

Nothing gets to stay in my body. 

It’s time to process all of this out. 

It’s time to accept and be aware. I am acknowledging how much life I have given these feelings, these stories, these people. It wasn’t for good. It was for hurt energy, stored energy and it built each time I felt it. I was adding on to the list instead of letting go. 

It’s time to let it go. 

I have been working on bringing this to awareness for quite some time, I know- because I am aware right now. 

When we are not ready, we cannot see what is directly in front of us. It doesn’t matter how many times or how many ways the information is relayed- until you are ready to put it into action, it won’t connect. 

The more we think about it, the more resistance we create.