When Feeling Fades

Depression is wild. 

For a long time, I thought that it was only depression if it completely took me out. The days that I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t move, couldn’t get out of bed. 

That was depression. 

Everything else was just a tough day or moment. 

I didn’t link them. 

I could handle the tough things, make it through the day. 

What I couldn’t handle- were the days that I was completely frozen in my grief. Those days felt absolutely impossible.

Then something happened that changed the way I viewed everything about, and surrounding – depression. 

I moved to my dream state. 

I have wanted this for as long as I can remember and I realized that so many of my longest held dreams had all come true, and – continued to do so. 

I was happy, I was. 

But… it didn’t feel like I thought it would. 

I didn’t feel the happiness in my body. 

It was like something was blocking me from being able to truly be in this experience. 

I didn’t feel anxious. I didn’t have anything that I could logically think of that would be causing this. 

Was it wrong? Was I dreaming the wrong things? 

I kept putting one foot in front of the other and showing up because without answers- I didn’t know what to do. It didn’t make sense. 

In those moments I have learned to slow down instead of speed up. 

Slow down- enjoy more of my day, take in more scenery and create intentional moments of awareness in gratitude. 

Gratitude has been my ultimate tool to success. It has a beautiful way of helping me flip the script and puts my life into a new perspective, one that sets me free to feel every inch of gratitude in my body. 

It had yet to fail me. 

Sometimes it takes a little longer than others- but it always finds its way in. 

But not this time. 

This time was different. 

This time, the depression crept in- it allowed me to keep moving, to keep believing that things were fine. 

Little by little- I was numb. 

And just like that, I couldn’t feel anything good. 

I didn’t panic. I didn’t stress. I have been writing about the hardest times of my life- and sometimes, when I do that- I go back there. I know that. I gave myself grace and kept moving- but I slowed down even more, and I listened to my body. 

My body felt heavy and I felt disconnected from it. It didn’t feel like home. 

I sat, breathing in gratitude and I felt nothing. 

Tears started streaming from my eyes. My soul felt heavy and hollow all at once. 

Depression. 

It was here with me after all this time. All the bad days, all the hard moments- it was this. It never left me. I was never going to beat this.

I felt so defeated after all this time, all this hard work.

Why was it here? It made no sense. 

I resisted with all my might- but I knew that never works. 

Resistance feeds it. It pulled me under. 

This time, instead of hating it or believing it- I observed it. I felt it. I understood it. 

My life had been full of loss, shattered realities, and moments that devastated everything that I had built. 

Time after time I picked myself back up and started again. 

This would be no different. Shatter me. Challenge me. Change me. 

Whatever it was here to show me- I was ready. 

I got up out of the bed and wiped my eyes. I opened my mouth and I had the hard conversations that needed to be had. 

I put my fingers on the keys and let them fly- leading me to deeper truths within. 

I took accountability for my mindset. 

I took accountability for letting my strongest habits wither away. 

I got up and signed up for a year at the gym- and I went. I kept going. 

I threw out the junk food that clouds my brain and destroys my body and I cooked up meals that fuel me and support what I desire. 

I drank my water. I meditated and focused on my breathing. 

I sat in the sauna and sweated it out and then went straight into the steam room.

I went to the habits that help me fight this battle to the best of my ability. 

This time was different though. I felt different. I felt better- quicker- smarter- sharper. 

I could so clearly see my fears, my doubts – the unaligned beliefs- and I could face them right then and there. 

When I faced them- they disappeared. 

Depression doesn’t creep into my body- it creeps into my mind long before it reaches my body. 

I didn’t see that- because I was only aware of it when it reached my body. When I hurt, when I was exhausted and completely burnt out. 

I couldn’t ignore those. 

But I could ignore my thoughts. I could push them down -wave them off- I could pretend that it wasn’t true, or that it wasn’t happening. 

Until I couldn’t. 

But now I could see it. I could see the pattern. I could do it differently. 

Sometimes all it takes is one person saying something that you have heard 1000 different ways – saying it a certain way – and for whatever reason- it just clicks. It sticks. It’s why I LOVE when people take things that I say and repeat them in their way. 

When it clicks, everything is different from that point on. 

This time, my moment came watching Jelly Roll and Joe Rogan talking on the JRE podcast. 

Jelly roll was talking about how much he has changed his life in a year and how we grossly overestimate what we can do in a month, while we grossly underestimate what we can do in a year. 

It hit me exactly where I needed it to hit. 

I thought of all the months that I spent in my lifetime putting way too much on myself and promising myself all of these great changes, and challenges that I would face. 

But then I needed a day off – and one day turned into 3 and then something came up- work was extra busy, excuses- excuses – excuses, (BLAH BLAH BLAH – insert them all here).

Pretty soon the month was over and I was beating myself up about how much I sucked. I couldn’t do any of this. I wasn’t as good as I thought. 

Imposter syndrome would come out in a big way and I felt like a total fake. What did I know? What could I do? Why was I even trying? 

This pattern was enhancing my depression by building a background that sealed in that all of these things were true. 

So while I was dusting myself off and getting up to try again, depression was waiting in the weeds for me to start to slip. The moment I did, it was there – ready to prove to me that all those things were true. 

No matter how hard I tried to resist them – to discredit them- I couldn’t. My habits, my patterns kept making them true and kept building more support against me. 

But I couldn’t see any of this. 

And then Jelly Roll started talking and my brain felt like fireworks were going off inside of it. My chest felt a swirl of excitement building. 

None of those things were true, but I was giving them power. 

I was fueling my depression. 

I was being a bully to myself. 

This was just another side of me. 

I had to stop fighting. I didn’t need more fight. 

I needed more love. I needed understanding. 

And I needed all of this from myself. 

Depression comes from deep within me. It’s where I have stored the energy during all of the hardest times in my life. Negative emotions weren’t going to help this heal. The way I was treating it was keeping it fueled. 

I changed my perspective. 

From this point on, when I feel it start to show or when I hear the whispers of doubt and fear – I said “lets talk about it.” 

I started treating myself the way that I treat others. 

I started to slow down and listen to and ask myself better questions. 

When I listen I am lighter. 

I am more curious about myself and something interesting happened. 

The emotions broke. 

I wanted to know more about it. I was excited to learn about it. 

Instead of feeling drained, burnt out, exhausted, and just straight up OVER IT, I was more ready for it than I have ever been. I was ready to learn. I was ready to evolve and understand. 

I write, I have healing conversations with people I love, I read something that makes me feel inspired, I move my body and little by little- the depression lifts. 

I feel gratitude and good things again. 

I can breathe. 

I understand that it doesn’t have to take me under.

It can be one of my greatest superpowers. 

It can lead me to deeper empathy and understanding of myself as well as others. 

I can let it teach me. 

I can allow it to evolve me.

I can find more peace through it. 

With this understanding, I see it so clearly. 

I am not meant to only go where it feels good and easy. 

I am not meant to follow only the things that light me up. 

I am designed for the challenges. 

I am designed for resistance. 

I am designed to break through it. 

I am designed to find ways that others could not. 

I am built to take the risky roads, the harder paths, and explore where there is no path because that is where the light is needed. 

That is where I thrive. 

The hard spaces have been my home and I have made them beautiful, time and time again. 

This is where I stop pretending this life isn’t for me – or that I don’t belong. 

I do, it just doesn’t look like anything else because it wasn’t meant for anyone else. 

It was meant for me. 

If you are having a hard time – hard thoughts- or are doubting your existence on this earth, hold on. Give yourself time to find the beauty – to find yourself – and to see what unfolds. 

If it’s possible for me, it is possible for you.