Staying Stuck in Negative Voices

I was adamant that I was not doing this.
Not in 100 million years did I think that I was doing this.

But I was.

I got to a point in this journey where I had been making moves for years. I was doing big things- reaching out to the right people- doing everything that I felt I was “supposed” to be doing.
Yet the doors weren’t opening and I was starting to feel really stuck.
I started to wonder if any of this was really worth it.
Was I really helping anyone anymore?

I had so much proof that I was, but I couldn’t see that then.
All I could see was what didn’t seem to be working.
I was hyperfocused on what I perceived to be negative.
I was overwhelmed with the urge to throw in the towel.

Then something happened to shake that sh!t up, and it wasn’t anything I thought it was going to be.

Someone I loved went out of their way to send me hate.
We hadn’t spoken a word in years and she went out of her way to send me some pure hatred on a random Thursday afternoon.

It shattered my heart and it hurt me a lot more than I wanted to let on.
The thing that hurt me the most- wasn’t that she sent that message to me.
It was that for the last few years, every time she crossed my mind- I thought about all the times we laughed til we cried (there were A LOT of them).

I thought about all of my favorite memories and then I energetically sent her a lot of love. I hoped that her life was full of laughter, love, and financial freedom. I hoped that she was waking up happy and peaceful.

I would remind myself that we weren’t in each other’s lives for a reason, and whatever that reason was- it had to be okay.
If we were meant to come back together, we would.

I realized the moment that she sent that hate my way- that none of those things were happening for her because if they were- that is not how she’d be using her time.
I was gutted knowing that she was wasting her energy being so angry at me.
All I could see was how great her life could be without that stored energy.
I wanted to fix it but I couldn’t.
I knew that this wasn’t actually about me.
This was about her and who she was now.

It was bitter sweet that after all this time I finally had an answer as to why we weren’t in each other’s lives anymore, even if it wasn’t the answer I hoped for at all.
It was the one thing I never considered.

We couldn’t be friends right now.
I have worked nonstop to level up my entire life from the inside out and the friends I hold close to me don’t hurt other humans.
My friends don’t choose this, they choose the work. They choose kindness. They choose peace. They choose love. They communicate boundaries and work endlessly on themselves.

We grew apart because we were going separate directions.
Instead of wondering what happened- I was now mourning the loss of my friend.
She was gone and I may never see her again.
I didn’t know the person that sent that message.
The girl I knew was a beautiful human. She was kind, creative, wildly unique, and could have us all in stitches from laughing so hard.
I needed to see her for who was right now, now who I remembered her to be.
All I could do was accept it and let her go.
I put my trust into knowing that whatever was going to happen – was happening, and I reminded myself that my only responsibility is to heal and continue to build from it.
I let her be whoever she is going to be.
She has her journey and I have mine.
All I can do is keep moving.

It highlighted a pattern for me. She was not the first, and certainly won’t be the last person to lash out at me.
Every single time it happens though, it hurts. It changes me.

This time, I wanted to use it differently.
I wanted to use it to move me.
I wanted to feel my way through the hurt and find a way to process that didn’t involve me storing this energy while pretending I wasn’t.

While it still stayed with me for longer than I wanted it to- I am glad because it showed me that I was carrying this around for a lifetime.
This was bigger than her.

I needed to move and meditate on it, so I did.

What I found shocked me and made me so grateful that I could see it now.
I am empathetic to a fault at times. I have been working on being too empathetic for decades. Carrying around the grief and outrage of the world was killing me.
Ultimately it wasn’t helping anything either.
I knew there had to be a better way, so I started searching for it.

As it turns out- I was right about that.

For me- movement and breathwork is my lifeline.

The more intentional movement I put into my day- the less this energy was able to store on me.
The more I intentionally breathed positivity into my world- the less that energy was able to affect me.

It reminded me why I feel the way I do about our “normal society”.
Saying hurtful things to others is truly detrimental yet so many of us do it on a daily basis.
Going out of your way to be a bully could literally be the thing that sends someone over the edge.
Your words can truly break another human.
Why anyone would choose this, knowing this- is my definition of insane.
The people who do these things don’t do it to be kind.
They don’t do it to help find a resolution.
They hurl their hurt without so much as a thought.
Nothing about them aligns.
They are lost.
They are low.

This is the first thing that I would snap my fingers and change if I could. The entire world would thrive.
So many times I have heard a whisper inside saying “Maybe we shouldn’t make waves here. Maybe we should just stay small. Maybe we should be quiet.”

That isn’t from anything recent.

That is from learning early that I was “too much”.
That was from people telling me my entire life that I was wrong, I didn’t understand, that I lived in a “fantasy world”.
That was from a lifetime of feeling out of place and like a burden.
That was a lifetime of trying to dim myself just to fit it and make others comfortable.
That was a lifetime of staying quiet when I wanted to scream.

It took away my favorite parts of myself.
It took away my natural energy, purpose, and vibe.
It changed me in ways that I didn’t wish to change.

This “friend” of mine reaching out, made me see all of this.
It made me see how often I still stayed small.
How afraid I still was to speak without a filter. How nervous my energy is when I know I am about to rock the boat or bring something to light that previously was in the dark.

The thing is though, that’s what I am here to do.

When I think about all the hard conversations I have had in coaching sessions and throughout my life – I think of all the tears that have been shed in my presence. All the hard conversations that needed a safe place to be had. All the heavy energy that lifted. I think about all the people who were more than ready for me to do what I do.
All the people that went on to do more of that for others.
All of the weight that has lifted and will continue to lift.

If she wouldn’t have brought it to light- I would have stayed small while thinking that I was all in.
I would have kept holding that nervous energy in my background- completely unaware of how it was impacting my life, how much it was holding me back.

I don’t take these moments lightly because I know that I am not the only person experiencing hate.
I know that I am not the only person that is dealing with hurt people like this.
I know that I am not the last person to go through this.
It makes me so grateful for my support system, for the work I have done on my mental health- for my habits that I have created to help build me instead of break me.
If I wasn’t where I am now, I don’t know how I would have handled that.
I have known depression intimately and in those really hard moments, it can already feel impossible just to hold on and make it through another one.

Receiving that hate message could have been the final straw- but thankfully, it wasn’t.
A message like that could have been a breaking point for someone else.
That is why I am writing this.
Not for the bullies.
Not for myself.
This one is for anyone that is dealing with this energy and is hurting deeply from it.
This is your sign to look inside of yourself.
This is your sign to find how it builds you.
How you bring awareness to something that impacts the world and helps one more person hold on and feel connected.
This is your sign that you are not alone.
There are more of us than we realize.
Do something good with it.
Balance the scales.
Energetically send them love and let them be.

To the bullies: I hope you heal. I hope you find all of the good things in life. I hope that you find something beautiful to pour your energy into. I hope you find your way home.