Holding On

I never really believed that the body kept score.
Every time I said that I was over something – I truly meant it.
I believed that I was done thinking about it, feeling it- everything.
It was over.
In those moments of letting go- I really thought I did just that.

Then yesterday happened which led to today’s revelations.

Yesterday was a really hard day.
Everything felt off.
I was vulnerable.
I was taking things personally.

I know better, but my freeze state was happening outloud.
I couldn’t communicate my feelings – my throat felt tight – my emotions were on the brim of a breakdown.
Internally it felt like I was being rushed into somewhere that I was not supposed to go.

Yesterday was a really hard day.
I wanted to throw in the towel on everything.
Instead, I reminded myself consistently that hard days are temporary and changeable.
I reminded myself of my rule, “no decision making / reacting on the hard days”.

On those days, it’s just about holding on.

I woke up today feeling the opposite.
I woke up today in complete trust of my journey.
I woke up today feeling like it is easy to choose my mood – and today, I chose to find extra gratitude.
Today I chose to process what I was going through yesterday so that I could better understand how to navigate through it next time. I understood what to do differently so that I didn’t have to behave as if it was out of my control ever again.

Then – my Facebook memories popped up.
I referenced a blog post I made on this day 1 year ago.

One year ago today I was writing about how the day before was a hard day.
I wrote a blog post about love and death.
Today I have been working on a script about love and death.

Today is a reminder that yesterday has been a hard day for a lot of years.
A lot of loss.
A lot of grief.
My body truly does keep score.
The only way it can get me to notice is to take over sometimes.
Freeze me.
Lock me up.
Take away my abilities.
Take away my voice.
Take me right back to the pain.

It shows me how it feels deep in my unconscious -carrying all of this around, as well as the emotions that still need to come to the surface so that I can set them free.

Yesterday is chronically a hard day because apparently, for me- September 18th is a time of mourning. My fears jump into the driver seat and take me for a ride.
They want me to see everything – and treat it as if we only have a few moments to see it all.
It is terrifying and chaotic – but I am grateful for the signs that pointed me in this direction.
Now that I know these fears are still within- I can give them a creative outlet to come to life in, to let it go in.

That is beautiful.

Today I find myself grateful for the hard days. There are so many lessons within them.