DAY 17

Mantra: “The more you do- the more you can do!” 

What a weird couple of days it has been. 

I find myself feeling a lot of areas that I am lacking in and focusing on where I could be better, where my time is taken up with things that I don’t want, and all the areas I need a reroute. 

It wasn’t until I was doing my morning flow this morning that I realized that where I really needed a reroute was my focus. 

I’ve been feeling like I am falling short in my life a lot. 

Like I may never be able to juggle all of this- have time for everything, and like I may accomplish nothing. 

It feels like all I am doing is baby steps. 

The bare minimum. 

Just getting by. 

I took a moment on my mat this morning to soak it in a bit, and I did a 15 minute guided meditation that helped me see where I am off track right now. 

It surprised me what I found. 

It isn’t that I need to do more. 

It is that I need to see everything that I have done. 

Everything that I am doing. 

Everything that has changed. 

I need to take a moment to soak in all the little, consistent shifts that have led me here. 

I need to focus on where I am going instead of how much farther I feel I need to go. 

This is where I hold myself back. 

This is where I get in my own way. 

This is where I let outside voices in. 

So what have I changed? 

I went from being someone who had a terrible relationship with food. 

I had a rollercoaster relationship with movement. 

I was emotionally fueled and it caused a lot of chaos in my life. 

Everyone came before myself. 

I overslept. 

I was just getting by. 

I have completely rerouted my relationship with food. 

The way I eat, what I consume, how I feel about nourishing my body. It’s all healthy now. 

I don’t feel sick anymore. 

The pain in my body is much more manageable and I am bringing awareness to what still bothers me each and every day. 

I am healing. 

I wake up every single day by 5AM. Most of the time I am up earlier than that so that I can utilize my mornings. 

I workout every single morning. I stretch my body. I meditate. I write. I take care of myself. 

It feels incredible and I have been prioritizing the things that I need. 

I work deeply on my mental health and letting go of the things that have hurt me. 

I have learned to forgive and truly understand all sides of situations. 

I have learned to move forward without bringing the past emotions. 

I have broken up with the negative emotions that used to run me. 

I breathe before I react. 

I have completely changed my habits and stick with them consistently. 

I change lives and that is one of the most beautiful experiences. 

I can see and feel all of these things and I can see just how far I have come. 

So… why am I still so hard on myself? 

Honestly, I think that I just know deep down and always have, that I am meant for so much more. 

I think that a big part of me still longs for a better start, to have had all of this from the beginning. I wish that I would have had chances that I don’t feel will come back around.

But why do I think that? 

Age? 

Time? 

Is it really ever too late? 

There are people all over that defy the odds and do whatever they want to do. 

I know this. 

I know that I am capable of this and have proven it time and time again. 

So why do I still feel a little panicked like there is a rush to get to a finish line. 

There is no finish line. 

I know this too. 

So why am I searching for one? 

What is the end goal? 

I don’t get like this often- but when I do, I make sure to take it all in. 

Notice that I am not beating myself up. 

I am just simply asking questions that I want to know the answers to. 

If I can find the answers within, I can rewrite the script with more clarity. 

I can help myself. 

Instead of derailing and having to find my way back on track, I can simply slow down or stop. 

Take my time. 

Look around. 

See what I learn and apply it. 

When I am ready- I can start again. 

I also think I may be ready for a push. Something new.

I am capable of a lot- but I am always so much better at pushing myself when I see others doing the same. 

I have been pretty isolated for the last year. 

Don’t get me wrong- I NEEDED this time. 

Without it – I wasn’t finding my way. 

I needed time with myself to heal the damage I did to my inner connection with myself. 

All the times I chose myself last, all the times I didn’t use my voice, all the times I pushed things down and pretended I was fine- I caused so much of a disconnect. 

I couldn’t trust myself. 

I didn’t know myself. 

I knew what I needed to do. 

I knew what was expected of me. 

I knew what I had to do. 

I didn’t know what I wanted to do. 

I didn’t know where I was going. 

I didn’t know because I was waiting for someone to tell me. 

I was looking for direction but I was looking everywhere but within. 

I used to dread the “off” days. 

I would shut down and my fuses were short. 

That was because my focus was getting through them and the first thing to go – was everything that I needed. 

I didn’t understand then that I can still work out, drink my water, write, meditate, nourish my body AND rest. I didn’t need a whole day to be a couch potato and binge watch shows. 

I needed some time to decompress, but that didn’t mean everything else that feels so good had to go. 

It meant I had to improvise. 

Instead of going really hard in a workout- those days I needed more of a recovery flow. I need deeper stretches and to slow down the movements. I needed to be more present in my moments.

I had the wrong idea about rest and recovery. 

Eating more than I eat in a week in one meal and laying around all day neglecting my water intake and telling myself I was “too off” to write or move or any of it- wasn’t solving anything. 

I was actually building a really lazy habit. 

One that I looked forward to so much that I would do anything to get it. 

My body would get sick. 

My mental fog was thick. 

The pain in my body amplified. 

My mood was sh!t. 

All of those signs would tell me that I needed olive garden to go, a couch and the remote for the rest of the day/weekend/week/month. Whatever I told myself I needed- I made it happen. 

I didn’t realize that it was always me. 

I thought that it was inevitable. 

I blamed every single source I could think of – but I never looked at the truth of it. 

It was just me. 

It was always just me. 

I was leading the way. 

My emotions were craving the calmest – safest space, and that is where it was. 

Nothing else existed there. 

It was just comfy me -with a comfy couch -eating comfy food- watching comfy tv. 

I felt happy. 

I felt safe. 

That felt like my favorite place to be. 

Why wouldn’t it!? 

And here’s the thing- sometimes, that WOULD recharge my batteries- but the new found energy meant leaving my cozy, safe little space. 

I talked myself out of leaving it, a lot. 

That is a dangerous pattern to get stuck in.

It leaves you always craving a little bit of laziness, a little bit of comfort and creates a false sense of security. 

I didn’t realize what I was doing to myself until 6 months of that went by and I found myself looking in the mirror at someone I didn’t recognize anymore. 

It took a lot of work to get here. 

I forget everywhere that I have been and just how hard I have worked to get to this exact point in my life. 

Missing my reality is what stole me from myself in the first place. 

I let the hard things distract me into thinking the hard things were all that existed. 

This is a love letter to myself – reminding myself of all the heartache, all the fear, all the loss and all the trials that I have been through.

This is my reminder of just how far I have come. 

Of how much I will continue to do. 

This is my reminder to myself that I don’t need to worry. 

I don’t need to stress. 

I can trust the timing of my life. 

I can trust myself. 

I can trust my journey. 

All of it has been incredible. 

All of it amounts to something, because all of it brought me here. 

I have lived so many lifetimes in this one. 

I have learned so much along the way. 

Sometimes it’s just remembering all of this, and reminding myself to breathe- to slow down and take it all in, that is all I really need. 

Today in the background I will slow down and listen to myself more deeply. 

I will do what I need without overthinking it. 

I will breathe when I feel rushed. 

I will remember all that I have accomplished. 

I will remember that as long as I am here, it means that there is more life to live. 

Today is another day to do something amazing with it. That’s where my focus goes. 

Here’s to using the “off” days to fall in love with myself and this life more deeply.