DAY 16

MANTRA: “You are capable of more than you can imagine!”

Yesterday I had a run in with an aggressive, angry guy that I didn’t know. 

Unfortunately, I have more than enough experience with drunk (and/or) aggressive guys. I’ve seen them sober and angry and I’ve seen them drunk and angry which looks a lot like the same thing. 

No control over their mouth. 

Must invade your personal space. 

Must say mean things in a threatening manner. 

I was a bartender / bar manager / server / cook / bouncer – you name it – for almost 2 decades. I grew up in the bar. I grew up around guys that I knew to look out for. I grew up with the men that I knew I could trust. 

I saw a little bit of everything and had a lot of people looking out for me. It was honestly a great place to learn a lot and very quickly, about the world. 

It taught me how to handle myself in a wide variety of situations. Growing up with all of this knowledge helped me handle myself when I would find myself in situations with abusive, violent people. 

I saw what worked and I saw what didn’t.

It turned me into a warrior and for a long time I thought that I would be fighting off these types of male energies for the rest of my life. 

I wasn’t wrong about that. 

After I found myself in a relationship with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – I realized that no amount of prep could have saved me from that. 

Some people are really great at keeping secrets and they can hold them for a significant period of time. They can trick you into thinking that they are safe. That they love you. That life is good with them. 

But then it happens. 

One night – he snaps. 

Too much alcohol – too much anger- too much hurt, and it all comes out. 

It doesn’t matter if you aren’t any of the things that they are angry at or hurt by. 

You will become the source of their pain. 

They will blame you for things that don’t even make sense and the most frustrating part is that no matter what you do- you can’t make them see it. 

The only thing that you can do is leave.

This killed me inside. It was so hard to leave. I didn’t want to give up on him like he felt the rest of the world had. It felt cruel to do that. There had to be a solution. 

I never thought that this would happen to me. 

I never thought that I wouldn’t be able to get through to someone. 

I never thought that anyone could take out so much hurt on me. 

Deep in my soul I know that EVERY single human on this planet is capable of being a great human. It frustrates me when they can’t see how close they are. One switch- and they could be all the best parts of themselves, they just had to want it and be willing to work at it. It didn’t have to be perfect. We just had to be making progress. 

But not only would he refuse to hear it, he refused to believe he was wrong. 

How could he not see what he was doing? 

How could he ever think that he was correct when violence was his answer? 

We were fundamentally unaligned and that wasn’t changing. If I stayed, we weren’t going to get better. 

Everytime he made a little bit of progress it would lead to more explosive and violent outbursts. 

I wasted a lot of my life trying to force my way through to those types of people. 

I thought that if they just had a true friend- a true safe space- they could heal there.

I genuinely felt like I was equipped to take this on. To be this change. 

But instead- it got me hurt, a lot. I was putting myself on the front lines and while a lot of times, I came out stronger and wiser through the battle, I was tired of it.

I was tired of fighting in such dangerous places to barely cause a blip on the radar. 

It felt like taking 1 step forward to take 100 steps back. I’d never get anywhere like this. 

I had to give up trying to save people.

I had to let them all go. 

It felt like quitting what I was here to do. 

It felt like it was killing my soul. 

It hurt. 

I wished that I was better. That I could have gotten through. I wished so hard that they could just see themselves the way that I did, and all the good that was within. 

It broke my heart. 

But I got away. 

I faced the hurt head on and kept myself safe for a while. 

Something changed within me in that space. 

I realized that I didn’t want to waste my time anymore. It wasn’t about finding the good in people that couldn’t see it themselves. 

They weren’t even a little ready for the road that I wanted to show them. They were hellbent on staying in misery and that was their choice. It was their life. It was not my place to tell anyone how to live it. I had no idea where their path was leading them. 

I was making something my place that was never my place to begin with. 

All I could do was hope that their journey took them somewhere beautiful and showed them the magic within. 

Nobody that I have ever met is all bad. 

Not one single person that has hurt me has been rotten all the way through. I’ve seen it over and over and over again. 

The good within. 

But it’s not my job to force it out. 

It’s my job to take care of me. 

I started setting boundaries and making rules for myself. No more coaching anyone that isn’t ready. No more allowing myself to stay in situations because I don’t want to hurt someone else. No more putting myself in danger. I am not a sacrificial lamb. No more staying anywhere with anyone that would hurt me. No more giving my energy to those that would. No more friends that would. No more dating people that would. 

No more. 

It was time for me to be good to myself. 

If someone is ready, they can show me that. 

And if they aren’t- it’s not my responsibility to feel anything about that. 

It’s just for me to let it go. 

Anyone can do the work individually and show back up as a different person later. 

I don’t have to hold hate against them to protect myself. 

My internal guide will tell me. 

I can trust myself. 

I learned how to listen. 

Last night, I had a run in with a guy that I did not know. He was angry and defensive already and that had nothing to do with me. That was an inside job. 

He did what they all do. He wanted to get into my personal space. He wanted to say low threats in my face. He wanted somewhere to hurl his anger. He wanted to scare me into feeling like it was all justified and he was right. 

I have been here so many times. 

This time though, I couldn’t care less. 

He got right up in my face. 

Told me how I needed to speak to “men”.

I didn’t flinch. In fact. I leaned in a little closer until he backed up from me. 

I realized in that moment that all of my experiences have built me into a fierce, independent, badass. 

This guy wasn’t anything compared to what I had been through. 

Every terrifying, heart breaking, dangerous experience that I found my way through made me stronger and more resilient. I don’t need to worry or scan for danger. 

What will be will be 

I can trust myself. 

I can trust my journey.

The fear that used to consume me, is gone. 

Last night was a reminder that I will never allow toxic energies into  my space or my people’s space again. 

I am not afraid to stand up for what is right and I will do whatever is necessary to end that interaction quickly and efficiently. 

Basic safety around others should be natural, but unfortunately it isn’t. 

We live in a world where so many allow their emotions to lead the way and a lot of the time, that leads them into explosive situations. The higher the emotions are the more projecting those emotions onto others is going to come out. 

The more tense the situation gets, the higher the probability becomes that it will turn violent. 

It doesn’t matter if you are a bully with your words or your fists and a lot of people think that because they aren’t hitting someone- they aren’t bad. 

I am here to tell you that energy is everything. 

It’s all scary. 

It’s all unnecessary. 

None of it builds anything good. 

The world has too much of this energy and I am done feeding it. 

The way I was trying to help in the past wasn’t the way. 

I wasn’t right either. 

I was trying to force others to change instead of taking care of myself, and staying longer than I should time and time again. I put myself in dangerous situations and made it harder on my nervous system to recover or understand anything other than war. I let a lot of those situations fill me with fear until they hardened me. 

I built a life that I needed protection from. 

This part of my life, the war is over. 

Now it’s all about making my world peaceful for myself and anyone that is in it. 

That was how I started. I was fighting for those that didn’t have the strength, the courage or the knowledge to protect themselves. They didn’t grow up knowing what I did. When your safety is compromised in the early days- it feels like your world is ending. 

And in a lot of ways, it is.  

I am a safe space, a warrior and I will always help those who are ready make their world a peaceful place. 

It’s hard to wrap my brain around the fact that so many people choose to hurl their hurt at others, essentially doing the same sh!t to others that was done to them. The things that they hated and the things that hurt them so deeply that it changed who they were. 

Why would anyone do that to another person especially when they know how detrimental it is?

But it’s not for me to figure out. 

If someone can’t see that is a problem and isn’t willing to work like hell to change it- we aren’t living in the same reality. 

They’ve gotta go away from me. 

It’s not welcome here. 

Searching for what would hurt me led me straight to more situations and people that would. 

Trying to heal the things about the world that scared me the most almost took me out. 

I had to find my peace. 

I had to let it all go. 

Searching for peace brings me more of what I crave. 

Great people, beautiful scenery, and a life that I love living. 

No more wasting my time where I am not wanted. 

And trust me- you know when you are truly wanted. 

The only way you miss that is if you refuse to see it and if all your energy goes to scanning for danger you will miss the good things.

Make room for what you want. 

Fill your life with gratitude. 

Search for more of what lights you up inside and makes you feel alive. 

If danger shows up at your door, it will be what it will be. No amount of searching will prepare you for it. You trust that you will have the tools you need if you need them. You trust in yourself. You trust in your journey. You remember- that if you survive, you will do something beautiful with your story and you will thrive. Just like you always do. 

And when the scary situations from the past cross your mind- don’t hate or fear them. 

Energetically send them love. Hope they heal. Hope they get sick of their sh!t enough to start looking for their own peace. Hope that they find gratitude and fall in love with living. 

Hope that they find their way. 

And let them go. 

Bring it back to you. 

Soak in every tiny place in your life that makes you peaceful, lights up your soul, and makes you feel truly happy to be alive. 

Think about all the times that you thrived. 

Appreciate who you are- who you have been – and all that you have overcome and accomplished. 

Celebrate your story. 

That’s how you change your life.