DAY 11

Mantra: “You have to be a little crazy to do great things”

I love this quote. It reminds me of Hunter S Thompson “If you’re going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you’re going to be locked up.”

The first time I read that it clicked so deep within. 

It truly doesn’t matter what we know. If the masses don’t believe it, they will tear you apart and think you’re crazy. 

I went through that with a lot of people who don’t think or see or experience what I do. 

The thing that always bothered me the most was that I didn’t do that to them. I let them believe whatever they wanted to and I let them live the lives they wanted to. Trying to control others is such a wild place to choose to live. 

It is a choice. 

It’s all a choice. 

It also drove me wild because I could remember so vividly the version of myself that believed the masses, tried so hard to fit in and do what was “right”.

That version of myself felt so unsure about everything. 

I didn’t even like being alive. I was living for other people. I let everything affect me and hurt me.  I was constantly questioning myself and why I was here. 

My whole life, I have had a relentless bully in my life that wouldn’t quit. When one left my life, another would appear. 

I’d get moments of peace – or temporary bullies that would try to come into my life that I could squash and send on their way, but the majority of my life- there was a bully. It made my defense mechanism strong and my wit quick. I didn’t want to keep living a life like that though, so I started working on not being so defensive. I just wanted to be peaceful. 

I never understood why they picked me when all I wanted was good vibes. I wasn’t hurting anyone. I wasn’t poking any bears. I was just living my life and they hated it. It didn’t make any sense. When I started finding peace though, I started finding a life without the bullies. It was beautiful! 

But then one bully showed up that would not leave my life.

This bully – was the worst one that I had experienced as an adult. 

I tried to get her out of my life but she would not leave. It didn’t matter if I quit playing, if I was nice, if I was mean, if I went with what she wanted- it didn’t matter. She was hellbent on hating me and making sure the whole world knew that she did. 

It was exhausting and I spent so much of my energy trying to find a way to force her out of my life. 

But then we had a moment. 

I hadn’t seen her or thought about her in so long and it was glorious. I was officially getting her out of my world and everything brightened, everything opened up. 

Then an inevitable moment came and I had to see her again. 

But this time, it was different. 

I could see her differently. I could see it all differently. 

The space and the work that I had been doing in the background allowed me to see it all for what it was. 

I realized some big facts that rang true about every bully in my life. 

1. I wanted my life to look nothing like hers / any of theirs. Every single thing about the way they live their life feels the opposite of every single thing that I want in mine. When I thought about switching places- it made my skin crawl and my soul sink. Why was I letting anyone that I had no desire to be like, control anything in my life? That was crazy and not in a fun way. I needed to heal that. 

2. She (specifically) reminded me of the worst times in my life. All the times I acted like that- all the times I was mean to people that hurt me- all the times that I acted out and ran my mouth. I wasn’t mad at her. I was mad at myself. I hadn’t forgiven myself for all those times that I was just trying to be what the world showed me it was. But, I wasn’t meant to be that person. Fitting in had turned me into something that I hated. I had worked so hard to drop all of that. Instead of appreciating all that I have accomplished- I let her remind me of who I was so long ago. She made that version of me feel real right now. She was bringing out things in me that I didn’t have the capacity to handle well. She was triggering things within me so that I could heal this. She showed me that I hadn’t let my past go within. She was every bully that had ever altered my life, including myself. This battle wasn’t about her. It was me vs me. 

3. When she showed up the last time, we had a moment. She had asked me a backhanded question that was meant to make me feel like I was crazy and never going to make it. For the first time- instead of feeling like she was right or being bothered by it, I KNEW she was wrong! I could feel it in my soul and that just made me even more excited because I could see the confidence oozing out of me. 

She looked at me and I could feel her judging every piece of me, but for the first time- instead of feeling anything personal, I could see her.  I saw her life, I saw the way she thinks and moves and I realized I was wasting my breath. It hit me so fiercely. I stopped talking. 

She can’t know. She’s still living where I was all those years ago. She’s in her own way. I couldn’t hate her for not having the capacity to understand just like I couldn’t hate myself back then. I couldn’t hate her for letting fear come out the way that she did. Hating her for any of this- would do nothing for any of us. But what I could do is use it  to strengthen my beliefs in myself and everything that I am here to do. 

I realized in that moment that the days of her getting into my world were over. She couldn’t bully me anymore. She could try but like my words, it would be a waste of time.

What she chose to do with her time, was none of my concern. What others believe is none of my concern.  Where others are in their journey is none of my concern. 

Forcing people to heal and evolve doesn’t build anything good just like bullying people doesn’t do anything good. Although one involves crushing someone while the other wants to help someone, they are one in the same. 

Our journey is our own. We will fuck up and fail and do things wrong. It’s what we do from those moments that build who we are and where we are going. 

Every single day is filled with moments in which we must choose. 

We can keep doing the same ol patterns and habits- or we can change. We can stop before we act as we once did. 

We can breathe before we open our mouth or let our fingers fly. 

We can find our own peace before we decide to go to war. 

It’s not up to me how others live their lives, it’s only up to me what I do with mine. 

All of this made me see that I was still hanging on to a version of myself that no longer existed. I was still beating myself up like I was still that same girl. 

I had to pause. 

I had to give myself time every day to see just how far I had come. Just how much I had let off of myself. Just how much I had grown. 

I was struggling with how much it hurts to see people choosing the hard path when I know the better path is so close. It seems so easy when you’ve gone through it, but it’s always easy to see in hindsight. 

I must never lose sight of how hard it was to get here. It was terrifying and a lot of the time I was digging my heels in and resisting it all. It wasn’t easy for me then. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done and it took a million little consistent shifts for me to get here. 

I didn’t know all of this existed on the other side. I didn’t know my strength. I didn’t know my tenacity. I thought I did, but I had no idea. 

My journey with bullies completely changed my world. 

I am finally at a place where I can appreciate the whole ride, and that is absolutely beautiful. 

It takes a certain amount of crazy to get past all the fear, to want it bad enough that you will risk everything you know to become everything you desire. 

We are all capable. 

We can all choose. 

We can all change. 

Small consistent shifts towards your dreams build a new reality. 

It all starts within.