The things that run in the background. 

For so long, I wasn’t even aware of my present thoughts, let alone my unconscious thoughts. 

In fact, I didn’t even realize that I had any type of control over them. 

Everything happened to me at that point in my life. 

Nothing was my fault. 

Nothing was happening for me. 

Everything was just stacking more and more work, stress and anxiety onto me. 

Living like that had me burning completely out over and over and over again. 

I felt like I was constantly picking up the pieces and starting over. 

Brushing myself off and trying again. 

I carried around a lot of pain and sadness within. 

That was why I was so happy on the outside. 

I knew how hard it was to live like this and I could see it and feel the struggles of everyone around me. 

I wanted to be a good spot for other people. 

If I could bring happiness to others, I felt like I would create some for all of us, self included. 

I could only be a bright spot for so long though. 

I didn’t expect anything to ever be able to take away my ability to shine no matter what I was going through, but then something did happen. 

Something that I couldn’t feel anything but grief through. 

It lasted for years. 

Instead of feeling burnt out I went back and forth between feeling dead inside and tormented. 

Why was I here?

Why did I have to feel all this pain every single second of every day?

I couldn’t see a way out. 

The more I searched the more it sealed it in that I was right. 

I was going to be stuck here forever. 

It was agonizing. My focus was laser sharp on just how awful this was. I was sealing in my fate. 

I was never getting out. 

That was not a way to live. 

It was a way to die while my body was forced to keep doing things I couldn’t possibly care less about. 

Going to work to pay the bills, cleaning the house so that it isn’t a mess, taking care of myself,  listening to people complain about literally anything. 

Each and every time I had to move, everything within screamed that nothing mattered. 

None of this mattered. 

I wanted to curl up into a ball and die. 

The only way out was if life took me out.  

As much as I begged and pleaded, it didn’t take me out.

 It took getting so sick of my current reality that I had to do something different. 

Little by little I started finding my way. 

A lot of it just took time. 

I started throwing myself into hard things that challenged me. 

I was already in hell so I figured, I may as well go big right? 

I started finding workouts that I hated and I showed up religiously.

I don’t know if I was punishing myself or what exactly was going on within me, but whatever I was doing- it was working. 

I was showing up. I was uncurling from my grief stricken ball. 

I wasn’t waiting for life to take me out anymore. 

It got me to focus on something other than the anguish I felt from what had happened, and instead highlighted where my body needed my attention. 

I channeled my pain into something that would be beneficial to me. 

It got me interacting with others and before I knew it- I laughed. 

A REAL LAUGH. 

Which made me cry at first because having any type of fun flooded me with guilt. 

How could I be having fun when my reality was so devastating? 

I had to start living moment by moment. 

The longer I focused on a future of torment, the more I was going to suffer. 

The more I focused on what could not be, the more I was fueling the fire. 

I had to accept that it happened. 

All of it was real. 

It was time to accept it and learn to move with it orI could kiss my life goodbye.
It would all move on without me. 

I had a lot of great things in my life that I was missing. 

I had to check back in or regret everything from this point on. 

Those were my options.

I felt it in my soul.

I didn’t want to miss anymore of my life and as impossible as it felt to find a new version of myself that truly enjoyed living, I had to try. 

I dove into the hard things and I made it my mission to conquer them. 

I needed to turn my life into something that would honor all that was lost. 

I needed it all to be for something. 

That’s how all of this started. My love for movement, writing, coaching, and authentic conversations. That’s how this whole world started to unfold for me. 

I took the things I loved before and I made them my priority. 

I found ways to love them more deeply and more confidently. 

If I wouldn’t have hit rock bottom, I would have stayed where I was comfortable. I would have stayed in what I knew. 

The grief, the sadness, the pain… I would have stayed because at the time, it felt like it was all I knew. 

 I wouldn’t have been able to see what I can now. As much as I still wish I could go back and change it all, I honor that I can’t. 

This time of the year is wild internally for me. 

This was the start of it all. 

I never saw any of it coming. 

My body still plays things in the background around my loss. 

I can feel it and I am extremely aware of it on days when my fuse is unusually short. 

I catch myself snapping or getting frustrated where I normally wouldn’t. 

I used to blame people around me, but the truth is- me not being able to find my peace is an inside job. 

On those days, my unconscious is running fears without my knowledge. 

It’s up to me to notice the signs and it’s up to me what I do with them. 

Do I lean into old patterns and let my frustration out? 

Do I hold it in and wait for my body to start getting sick so that I can rest?

Do I take it out on others? 

Do I waste my day moping about something that I cannot change?

Do I curl up into a ball? 

Do I reroute it? 

Get outside? 

Move my body? 

Write it out? 

What do I do with it? 

Every moment is different and sometimes I slip, sometimes I curl but the majority of the time I remember all that was gained. 

When I switched my focus from all that was lost to all that I learned, it became easier to find gratitude in the time that I did get. 

It reminds me of all the happiness, all the love and life I felt before the grief. 

It takes me right back to why it hurts so deeply. 

People change us. 

I used to focus on the burden of loving others because I have lost so many important people that I truly love and care about. 

It felt like I needed to shut myself away so that I wouldn’t hurt so deeply. 

I had to learn that it doesn’t change when they leave this world. 

I still feel about them the way I did while I had them here.
I long to see them, to touch them, to hear them… my senses miss them so much that my brain and body cling to the pain of knowing that I can’t. 

It runs deep. It changed everything about who I was, and left me with no idea who I was without them here. 

This journey led me back to them. 

I can feel them all around me when I am present. 

When I am out in nature. 

When I am listening for them. 

When I switch my focus from what is lost, to what I love, I can feel every magical moment we shared. 

Every moment filled with all my favorite pieces of being alive. 

All the times we laughed so hard we cried. 

All the moments we were vulnerable with each other. 

All the things that made us so important to one another. 

It’s all still there, it’s just different. 

They are still a part of me. 

Switching my focus made me grateful. 

I didn’t dread loss anymore, in fact, I wanted to love more freely. 

I am in control of what my mind and body run in the background. 

By checking into my present, slowing down and acknowledging my feelings- it makes me aware of what I am running. 

Whatever comes up is showing me that I can do something with these thoughts. 

The better I can care for my present, the better I can care for what’s going into the background. 

Without awareness, we are left in the dark. 

We are left pretending that we have no control. 

The more we stuff down what comes up- the harder it will go in our unconscious thoughts. 

We can’t avoid them. 

It’s either face them or let them run you unknowingly. 

It’s all in our awareness and how kind we are to what we can see. 

The kinder we are to ourselves, the nicer it becomes behind the scenes.

It is all our choice. 

What happens, will happen. 

That is out of our control. 

Our innerworld is all ours though. 

It’s not easy, but it’s all possible. 

Day by day. 

Minute by minute. 

Moment by moment. 

It is all we do with it. 

Cry when you need to. 

Curl up if it is what you need. 

Allow the moment to pass.

Then get up. 

Keep challenging yourself. 

You’ll find so much more of everything you want diving head first into that resistance. 

It’s not easy, but it’s all possible. 

Give yourself the time you need and then allow yourself to come back to life. 

Grieving deeply will not change the outcome. 

Feeling guilty will not bring them back. 

When I think about when it’s my time to go, I think about everyone that I will leave here. 

It hurts me the most to think about the hurt that it will cause them. 

When I switched the situation around- it made me see how much my grief could be holding them back from whatever is after this. 

I didn’t want that. 

I understood that If I truly love them, I must learn to let go. 

I remember that nothing meant for me will miss me as long as I allow myself the opportunity to see the other side. 

I cling to the hope that it’s all for something bigger than I can see and that one day we’ll see each other again. 

I live not just for me, but for everyone that has and will hold permanent memories within me. For everyone that has made my life feel more alive, and more full of color and adventure. 

I live for those who have left too soon, and for those that are still here, trying their best every day. 

And I remind myself consistently that love is worth every ounce of pain. 

Before the pain- is absolute, pure joy. 

The highest of highs. 

Love is always worth it. 

Love will keep me learning. 

Love will keep me laughing. 

Love will keep me thriving. 

Always.