Heartbreak in LA

I don’t feel like writing every day. 

I have days that nothing wants to flow. Nothing feels right. 

That’s the part of setting goals that gets really tricky for me. I used to struggle with giving myself the time to do them. I work hard to build habits that support my dreams. 

I thought that if I had the habit locked in, the rest would come easy. 

I got up early, I put my hands over the keys- ready for them to fly like they have been, and then… nothing. 

My brain felt blank. 

My fingers felt motionless. 

An entire hour rolled by and I haven’t written a word. 

I don’t always know why I am stuck- but I have started paying more attention to possible causes. 

Today, I knew why I couldn’t  write. 

It became pretty obvious when my fingers moved to the mouse, clicked open a new tab and immediately started tracking what had happened over night with the LA fires. 

I know that fires in California aren’t uncommon. 

The very first time I made my way to my dream state, it was on fire. We couldn’t find anywhere to stay because all of the parks that we planned to camp at were full or evacuating. We ended up sleeping right next to the pacific ocean. It was incredible, and was something that I had dreamt about as a midwestern girl in Iowa for as long as I could remember. 

The only thing that got me through every single winter was closing my eyes and pretending that I was warm in Cali on the beach. Tan and happy and living where I knew I was meant to be. 

I’ve been listening to my favorite artists sing about LA and everywhere I wanted to be. I sang the words like I was right there on Ventura Boulevard. My favorite shows and movies made me feel like I was right there with them. Palm trees lining the way. 

 I felt so deeply connected to it. 

Every time something devastating happens in California – I feel connected to it more so than any other place. 

California has always felt like home. 

I knew it in my soul. 

My heart breaks for everything that is lost. 

This time it feels so different. 

This time I am living 15 minutes from the border of California, closer to my dreams than I have ever been. 

The time the fire is in LA. 

The dream that I have carried with me for a lifetime is to be a successful author living in LA.

I remember so vividly sitting on the roof of the shed as a kid, writing stories- looking out over the corn fields, soaking in the sky, the air, closing my eyes and feeling the warm southern california wind on my skin. I could smell the ocean water. I could hear the sounds of the waves and life happening all around me. 

I was happy all the way through. 

It feels so strange to be so close, and to see such devastation happening. 

It is such an eye opening reminder that whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. 

Life will be lost. 

Safety isn’t guaranteed no matter who you are or what you have. 

Dreams will change, pivot, and reroute often. We can let them go- or keep pushing forward and trust that what’s meant for us won’t miss us. 

Travesty will happen. 

We cannot control or prevent what will be. 

All of us are doing our best with what we know, what we have, and what we think is right. 

Sometimes we get so lost in the things that don’t matter. 

Stupid arguments. 

Defensive behaviors. 

Judgements. 

Assumptions. 

Anger. 

Frustration. 

We panic and pretend through so much of this life we are living. 

We lose sight of our resilience, of our ability to recover, our ability to forge our way through all of it. 

We get stuck in the grief and our hurt emotions and forget about all the beauty that surrounds us. 

I know. I have been there for the majority of my life too. 

This has reminded me of why I work so deeply to create this life I dream of. 

I have to believe that it all works out. 

I have to believe that there is something beautiful in everything. 

I have to believe that every piece of this journey leads us to something good. 

Every time grief has rocked me to my core and I thought that there was no way I would survive, I did. 

One day the heaviness lifted little by little, reminding me that not every moment was going to feel this way, reminding me that there is still something to be grateful for even on the darkest of days. 

My heart goes out to LA. 

To all of the people impacted. 

To the firefighters and every single person that is doing everything that they can. 

And to all the dreamers.