Freedom in the Fall.

Sometimes things need to fall apart to completely fall together. 

I never truly understood that until I started being hyper aware of the effect that the energy of others had on me. 

Even when I thought it wasn’t getting to me, it was. 

For a long time, as obvious as it was, I couldn’t see it. 

One little argument could send me into a spiral. I would replay it and hold onto it, running it through my brain over and over and over again. 

The only thing that I ever came up with was a list of things that I didn’t like about what had happened, why I didn’t like it and what they should have done differently. 

I was stuck in a rollercoaster of emotions. 

I didn’t want to be fighting, but it felt impossible for us to understand each other. 

Most of the time, we went our separate ways. 

What surprised me though was that in space, I seemed to come to life. 

A lot of the time, they did too. 

I got stuck in this for a long time. It made me sad because it honestly made me feel like I was meant to be alone forever. It was just easier for me to be alone. It wasn’t as fulfilling because life is always a lot more fun for me with others, but it was always a lot more soulful. My energy stayed consistent. I was able to stay committed to my goals when I didn’t have to walk on eggshells or try to decipher the energy of others. 

When I stopped fighting, I started vibing. 

I started focusing on myself and everything that I wanted out of life. 

I started realizing that life separated us because we were draining each other. All of our energy was going to these stupid arguments. We were wasting our time on the wrong things. 

This wasn’t what life was for. 

At first I was sad, because I understood that chapter of our lives was over and it always made me sad when someone I thought would be around forever, isn’t. It made me sad that we couldn’t work through things and come back together. It made me sad when my favorite people became strangers. 

I needed to switch the narrative. I started focusing on my thoughts. I was thinking about everything that I lost, that would never be. 

I was mourning a deep loss. 

As hard as it was, I loved them. We had been through so much together and I hated throwing in the towel. 

I knew though that in order to move through it, I needed to accept it. 

I switched my thoughts away from what was lost and started diving into what I wanted. I started putting those thoughts into action. I moved my body, I went out with old friends, new friends, and took in new places. I started living my life for myself. 

Something beautifully unexpected happened in that space. 

Everyone was okay. 

Everything worked out. 

Life was fun. 

We were making space for what was coming. 

It doesn’t matter how hard we wish. If it isn’t meant to be, it won’t be. 

Just when I thought it was over, life would bring us back together. 

Sometimes, we had both channeled our energy into ourselves and when we came back together it was beautiful. We were both in places of acceptance and we had let go of the past. We were able to meet each other all over again and sometimes it strengthened us in ways that we never dreamed possible. It made us better than we had ever been. We went from strangers to new friends. 

That wasn’t always the case though. Sometimes life brought us back together as a test to see if we’d fall right back into the same behaviors. A lot of the time, it started well but eventually, we ended up right back where we were, challenging us all over again. 

Do we stay? 

Do we walk away again? 

I understood that it doesn’t matter if we think that we have learned a lesson, life will let us know if we truly have. 

Learning is a lifetime practice. 

While I may not be able to always concur the lesson – I am always learning. 

I am always soaking in the new lessons and working hard to apply them. While I may not always make the right decision, I trust in the timing of my life. I trust that every path will lead me where it should. 

Sometimes things have to fall apart to completely fall together. 

I no longer view that as a sad thing. 

Now I see it for what it is. 

Freedom. 

We all deserve the freedom to live our own lives however we see fit. 

Life truly is what we do with it. 

I always thought that putting my needs first was a selfish trait- but it isn’t. 

Putting our energy into ourselves is where it’s at. 

I started learning how to let people be. 

If they wanted to fight and melt down and throw their feelings around, they could, just not with me. 

There are so many ways to express our feelings, and that way wasn’t for me anymore. 

I got it. I didn’t need to try to fix things for people anymore. Trying to fix things typically made them worse because it wasn’t ever meant for me to fix. 

I finally understood that they needed to fix it for themselves, just like they didn’t need to fix me. 

We needed to heal ourselves and that’s an inside job.

Expecting anyone else to do that for us was a selfish move. We learned it backwards. Our actions were proof of that. 

Learning to let people go has taught me to trust on a deeper level. 

I know all the way through that nothing meant for me will miss me. 

I can relax. 

I can have fun. 

I can build the life of my dreams. 

The people that are meant to come with me will, and the ones that aren’t won’t. 

Acceptance of all that is, allowed me to let the grief go. 

The freedom that I had been craving existed in these lessons. 

To be able to trust in myself on this journey has completely changed my life. 

I am forever grateful to every single person that helped me learn all that I have. 

I appreciate every single person that will help me learn all that I do. 

I hold love for every single person that has impacted my life, good, bad and everything in between. I learn, I grow, I thrive through. 

I trust that whatever is meant to be, will be. 

Every piece of this journey has set me free.