Everything is Changing

Once again, everything is changing. 

So many times in my life I have found myself here, fearing absolutely everything. 

My thoughts were full of lack and what if, always preparing for what terrible things could possibly come my way. 

I grew up around more people that were living in survival mode than I ever realized. 

Everyone did such a great job of appearing to be happy, successful and honestly… “normal”. 

Yet the suffering always emerged and it always seemed to spill in ways that I couldn’t quite comprehend. 

The more I observed and listened between the lines, the more hurt I could see, the more fear showed its face. I could see it so much more clearly.  

We truly are all at war with things that we don’t show. 

Fear turns to anger. 

The unknown trips us into attempts at control. 

The energy of frustration takes over the moment. 

Everyone understands these feelings. We all feel them.

What we don’t understand is why we throw our emotions at others.

Why do we hurt each other when all we want is to be understood?

For so long, I, like so many others, clung to – and searched for- safety above all else. 

A lot of the time, I was fighting the wrong enemies but I couldn’t see that then.

It wasn’t until I understood that safety is an illusion. 

It doesn’t exist. 

If life has a lesson to deliver, it will get the job done.

We cannot control it. We can only lean into it.

So many spaces that I thought were safe left me feeling confused, lost, and on a constant search for something more. 

Inevitably – I fell short. 

I couldn’t find what I was looking for. 

I felt like I was failing at life. Wasting all of this precious time getting it all wrong. 

Life also felt like a series of working so hard just to lose what had been built thus far. 

It felt like it was a never ending sliding scale. 

1 step forward, 10 steps back. 

I would never get ahead. 

I would never find anything more than this. 

Depression, anxiety, stress, and burn out swims through my veins- my muscles, my bones.  

I feel that fear in every piece of me.  

I had to break the pattern- end the loop.

I had to leave. 

I needed isolation. 

I needed quiet. 

I needed something new. 

I felt a deep desire to run away from everything for my entire life yet for so long it was just out of reach.

I started thinking that I would never leave.  

But then I did it.

I actually left. 

I chased my dreams and what I found was that everything I had been searching for- all came from within.

You can only heal what you will allow yourself to be aware of. 

I let myself be aware of it all. My relationship with myself needed repair.

I wasn’t running away.

This was designed for me. 

Hard lessons changed me. 

Hard lessons evolved me. 

Hard lessons made me who I was and who I am. 

I wasn’t running away.

I was running free.

To change my path- I had to change myself. 

Life will happen, and anything we want to take with us – we will.

We will carry what we decide is important. What we decide to haul.

We decide what we do with it.

I choose to make the beautiful things powerful and I turn the hard things into beauty.

That is the cycle I give my energy to now.

I give it power. 

I give it truth. 

I give it energy and that energy will help or hurt me.

That is up to me and what I choose. 

Everything comes from within. 

Once again, everything is changing. 

I am making it beautiful. 

I am leaning in. 

I am a warrior. 

I can handle anything that comes my way. 

I will handle anything that comes my way. 

I will embrace it. 

Life, love, loss, all of it. 

I am finally here, so grateful to be alive, soaking it all in. 

Life is what you make it. 

What are you making it?