I broke the streak. 

And I did it on purpose. 

I am learning a lot about myself and how things make me feel. I love having a streak because it keeps me motivated especially through the hard days. I grew really tired of X amount of days on, followed by X amount of days off. I was tired of feeling like I had to keep getting back on track and I beat myself up a lot about why I chose to put all of the things that I needed the most on the back burner time and time again.

The streaks have been great and I haven’t broken a commitment to myself in a long long time. 

So why did I intentionally break my streak if it’s so great for me?

I noticed something during my second year of sobriety from alcohol. The streak seemed to be the only thing that made me want a drink. 

I needed a streak the first year because I would have caved over the wrong reasons without it. Even at the beginning of year two that was still true. 

Somewhere along the way though, that number started to feel like a prison. It made me want to break the streak so that it wasn’t in charge of me anymore. 

I didn’t break it because at the end of the day, I didn’t actually want a drink, I just wanted freedom. 

I wanted to know that if I decided to have a drink it could really just be an experience and not a 3 day hangover filled with regret. 

Instead of throwing in the towel on my 3+ year journey- I decided to learn some lessons with a smaller impact. 

I broke my writing streak and took 5 days off. 

I even took three days off of 75 hard. 

I had great reasons behind it and I acknowledged that I did have the time and the willpower to do it in my day. There was no reason I really needed to take a break. I just didn’t want to. 

So I didn’t.

And that was going to be okay.

I did everything that I wanted to instead.

The world didn’t end. 

I didn’t beat myself up at all.

I enjoyed the heck out of it. 

I soaked in all the love, all the gratitude, all the moments that happened in those days and I let the lessons surface. 

Something miraculous happened. 

Even though I knew I was taking a break, I wanted to move- so I moved and it was one of the most melty, connected sessions of my life. I was listening so naturally to my body. My movements were fluid. I didn’t struggle because I felt strong. I could hear how my body needed to move, wanted to move and how it was all working together. 

Sometimes, those microbreaks are what I need to connect some of those deep level pieces. 

I felt it on a cellular level.

It isn’t about the number anymore. 

This point in my life is about being present. 

Being in the moment of right now. 

For so long I have feared the future for so many different reasons. 

They are all good ones and if I want to overthink them, it is easy to do because they are all filled with past truth. 

If I want something different though, I have to do something different. I spent so much of my life spinning in the past trying to heal my future. What I needed wasn’t spinning or planning, it was being present in my right now. 

Once I started allowing myself to be aware of all the times in my day that I was wandering back to the past, or dreaming of the future, and thinking about everything I want and don’t want- I realized that was where my inner dialog spent the majority of my time. Trying to control my future and prevent repetitions from the past.

It kept me feeling like the past was still happening and the future was so far away. 

I didn’t want to belittle myself over how I had been living because like I said, I had a lot of solid reasons to run these old mechanisms. I did what I thought I needed to do with the tools that I had at the time. Allowing myself the space to be kind allowed me the space to reroute myself. 

When I treat myself like I am my favorite person, I love my relationship with myself so much more. 

When my awareness allowed the truth of what runs in my background to surface, I was able to hold my own hand. I was able to use kind reminders to bring my back to the present. I was able to lead myself back to the truth in my current reality. 

Right now, I am okay. 

Right now, I can breathe. 

I can look around and see that right now is different from what I am thinking or feeling.

Whatever fear is surfacing, is just a fear.

It wasn’t happening right now.

Every single time I use this to bring myself back to what is truly happening right now, I come back to my center.

I come back to my present.

I check in.

When I am present I choose things that make my moment better.

I choose things that make me peaceful.

I choose things that care for myself.

I choose well.

I no longer need a streak.

I no longer need to give myself long time frames to change. 

I have been choosing myself consistently for years.

I am this person every day, and I get better each and every day.

It does not matter if I am “taking a break”. 

I am resting. I am processing. I am letting go. I am checking in. I can trust that whatever life brings, I will find my way through- because I have never not made it yet. I am not taking a break. I am diving into the moment.

I am here for the lessons. 

I am here for today. 

When I am present, I am kind. 

When I am present, I build. 

When I am present, I vibrate with the energy I desire. 

I don’t need the streak because this is just who I am. 

I have come too far and sealed it in too deeply to forget again. 

There is no “falling off” for me anymore. 

Even on my “off” days, I am on. 

I am present for myself and everything that I need. 

I am in the lessons.

I learn. I apply. Everything moves me forward. Wins, losses, good days and tough days.

This is who I am. 

I have fully stepped into a version of myself that I once used to dream of. I have fully stepped into a version of myself that I used to cry over because I never thought that I would get here. I longed for who I am now. Everything that I needed, I am.

I am consistent, I am kind and myself fiercely.

The doubt has lifted. 

Every single moment is a moment for me to step into more confidence, more peace, and more enjoyment. 

I am filled with gratitude for every part of this journey and if I had one wish come true for the world- it would be this. That everyone finds their way home within.

My oh my how I have changed. 

Every single day, I am me – and there is nobody else that I would rather be.