I Forgive It All

I forgive it all. 

All the times we got it wrong. All the times we fell short. All the times we felt lost. All the times we messed up. 

I forgive it all. 

I carry none of it anymore. 

One of my favorite lessons has been Breealizing that once you truly let something go, it’ll never be the same. 

Once your mind is truly opened, you can’t put the blinders back on, at least, I can’t, and I don’t want to. 

The more I learn, the more I crave. 

Refusing to put down this heavy load got me a life of things that I didn’t want. 

A life of pain, suffering, self sabotage, big emotions… I felt out of control in my own life a lot. 

Instead of leaning in, I tried to figure it out. 

I wanted instant solutions and I let the frustration get to me immediately if I couldn’t find one. 

I thought that I thrived in the chaos.

I didn’t. 

I was just really good at surviving the chaos. 

That’s completely different. 

I was burning myself out trying to prove myself in the wrong places. 

I was chasing the dreams of others instead of chasing my own. 

I was scared of failing. I was scared of not being ready. I was honestly afraid of everything. 

The bridge from who I was to who I desired to be felt non-existent and I told myself that I didn’t know how to build a bridge by myself. 

I made it feel impossible by thinking so often that it was. I didn’t even understand at the time that this was also setting the tone for my unconscious thoughts. 

I was consistently keeping myself stuck. 

I looked for answers everywhere but within which unknowingly kept me from finding them.

Until my thoughts moved away from,  “I can’t build a bridge” and dwelling on how much work it felt like it would require, I would remain in this loop. 

My belief that the life I desired was impossible was making it just that.   

I was on a quest to nowhere. 

Round and round I went. 

It wasn’t until I tried interrupting my thought pattern that I became aware that I had the power to stop the loop. 

It no longer felt like a long, treacherous journey ahead. 

I could stop this any time I wanted. 

I had flipped a switch that lit up my brain. 

I could see it all so clearly now. 

The life I wanted was always within. 

I started to find gratitude for my present and it allowed me to see everything that was right in front of me. 

I could see everything that I had already achieved. 

Everything I already knew. 

Everything I was ready to build onto. 

Being grateful and present highlighted every beautiful thing that my life was made up of. 

It changed the journey from feeling like a chore, to feeling like an adventure. 

I was vibrating with energy. 

I felt alive and excited to be in my life.

I still slipped back from time to time. Old patterns and habits emerging to the surface. 

For the first time I was aware of how little control I had within my hurt and defensive emotions. 

I needed to learn how to control my emotions. I wanted to learn how to slow down when everything within was screaming at me to attack at full force.

Some days that felt impossible, and I let my old ways win. 

But, I never failed. 

The biggest difference between my past and my present was me. 

My emotions could still spill over from time to time, but instead of staying stuck beating myself up over it or focusing so hard on what was wrong with the situation, I could sit and breathe on it.

I could slow my thoughts. I could temper my emotions. I could show myself that I was safe within. 

I just needed to give myself time to breathe. 

I could settle myself and then dive into what just happened. I could play it back from a space of empathy for everyone involved. 

I could see that we were all trying our best with what we know and I could look at the situation more objectively. 

I could look back at where I would like to handle it differently going forward. 

I could see how my reactions negatively enhance the situation. 

I could see how peace would allow the space for different reactions from others as well. 

Whether it did or not though, it changed the way I felt internally about the entire situation. 

I could see how differently I felt when I allowed reactive emotions to take the lead VS how I felt when I allowed peace to guide me. 

Peace was what worked the best for me, and peace begins with me. 

Sitting in the chaos and searching for my inner calm shined a bright light on where I needed to remember to take a beat. I knew the internal feeling that told me I could pause or I could choose my old pattern. Every time I felt it, I was now aware that I had control. 

I had a choice. 

It allowed me to take responsibility for the chaos in my life. 

My reactions played a big factor in what came from these moments. 

If I wanted a different life, I had to choose a different path. 

It felt so nice letting that wave of solitude wash over me. 

Consistently Rerouting my thoughts brought me peace. 

I started checking in on myself regularly throughout the day. I was listening to where my thoughts were, and checking my body language. Relaxing my jaw, resetting my shoulders, standing up tall- stretching it out, and taking deep intentional inhales with slow releases all day long. 

I didn’t think of it as something I had to do. 

I thought of it as something I get to do. 

I felt so lucky and so grateful that I made it here. 

Now that I understood this, there was no going back. 

Every single time I chose chaos, I was going to sit and ask myself why.

I was going to learn. 

I was going to let more pain go and make more room for peace.

I allowed myself the time to focus on myself. I allowed myself the time to heal. 

No more rushing and stress filled moments. 

Whatever will be, will be. 

Every day I set myself up to be successful and I celebrate the little moments all day long. 

Prioritizing my peaceful state of being over everything was leading me to all that I had ever dreamed. 

If it didn’t bring me peace, it brought me resistance. 

If it was bringing me resistance, I found my way to peace first so that I could figure out why I was feeling the way I was. What needed my attention? 

What am I resisting? 

What am I afraid of? 

What do I need to face? 

Is this true danger, or is it fear of the unknown? 

I allowed myself the space to listen within. 

This path taught me to better understand my feelings. 

What was real and what needed to be faced. 

I learned how to listen to myself more intimately and that brought me even more peace. 

I learned how to face my resistance with excitement instead of fear. 

My confidence in my abilities sored. 

I fell more in love with who I am, who I am becoming and the journey that I am on. 

I found what I had been searching for.

It was always within.