MANIFESTATION 

I have been thinking a lot about everything that I have manifested into my life. 

As well as all of the things that I haven’t. 

Why do some things manifest so easily while others don’t? 

It all boiled down to my feelings about what I was manifesting. 

When I want something, but my belief is that it is out of reach, or unattainable, it feels heavy. I can taste the doubt. My deep down belief is that it won’t come true. 

In those moments, I am unintentionally creating a test for life. Picking something to manifest that feels completely crazy and saying, “Okay, if this is real- then prove it to me.” 

Nothing has ever manifested for me, that I am aware of, from that place. 

In fact the longer I went without manifesting it- the more deeply I believed that it was a ridiculous dream. That nothing could happen. It was all bullshit. 

When I really started to look into my dreams, I realized that there weren’t many I believed could come true. Everything seemed unattainable. 

Everything had a catch with a fear attached. 

Then I started thinking about all the things that I did manifest in my lifetime. Incredible, amazing, life changing things. 

They all had similarities. 

They all came with the natural feeling within that screamed it was mine. I didn’t know how, but I KNEW it came true. 

Each and every time I experienced that overwhelming feeling that it was mine, it was. 

Sometimes it happened fast, sometimes it made me think it wasn’t going to work out and tested me. In those moments it was always easy for me to keep the faith because I just knew. 

Deep down, I knew. 

This is where things got tricky for me. 

I wanted to force that feeling so that I could manifest more things, and I wanted it all to happen overnight. 

This is where I had to dive a little deeper. 

That feeling came naturally to me. I was open to receiving the message from life. 

If I wanted to be able to create that feeling, I needed to be able to hear the messages more often. I needed to be able to heal all of the doubts and fears that were blocking my belief in myself and my abilities.

I needed to trust deeply in the journey and believe fiercely in myself. 

That took a lot of time within. 

Meditating, writing, moving within my body, eating to nourish, listening to my body, listening to my thoughts. I needed to know myself more deeply so that I could understand where I was holding myself back and why. 

Healing can also be a dangerous place depending on what you do with what you learn. 

Recognizing just how many people and situations negatively impacted my ability to live and seeing the generational traumas that people kept passing down was overwhelming. 

It felt like I was living in the wrong world. 

It had me stuck in what could have been – should have been- would have been, and left me dreaming of a life that wasn’t my reality. 

It had me chasing after a time machine that I didn’t even believe existed. 

When I was searching from a place of desperation and grief – everything started to turn into that. 

That led me straight into a depression that took out every single cell that made up who I was. 

It created more pain, suffering, and never ending loops of trauma. 

I was completely wiped out. 

I didn’t want to be alive. 

While I had plenty of amazing things going for me, experiences, and people in my life- that wasn’t where my focus was. My focus stayed laser sharp on what wasn’t with me. 

On all that was lost. 

I almost didn’t make it out of that part of my life. 

I felt like I had stopped holding on, but some invisible rope wouldn’t let me go. 

I couldn’t feel it, or see it and nothing I did would allow it to cut me loose. 

It kept me here and I felt like it was torturing me. 

Every single piece of me inside and out, hurt so badly that I truly didn’t believe I could withstand anymore. 

Yet there I was. 

Without a choice. 

Living like this had me running around in the same toxic cycles, inside and out. 

If I wanted something different I had to start acknowledging how much of my pain I was contributing to, which was extremely hard for me to do at the time because my excuses were legit. 

Nobody was going to argue with me that I hadn’t been through enough to feel that way. Nobody was going to tell me to just get over it. 

Most of the people that knew were sad for me but grateful they weren’t going through what I was. 

Most people didn’t know what to say to me, because honestly, there was nothing that they could have said to me. 

I didn’t feel like any of it was my fault. 

I felt like it was lifes fault. 

How do I take responsibility for something that I didn’t feel responsible for? 

I had to start small. 

I wanted to take responsibility for my feelings and my thoughts because that was the only thing that I thought I might be able to remotely take charge of. 

I started being aware of how often I let my thoughts be the saddest ones that they could possibly be and found that it was a lot. 

The majority of my thoughts were gut wrenching. 

No wonder I felt so sick. 

I realized quickly that my focus was making it impossible for me to be anywhere but here. 

Once I started greeting my thoughts I could truly recognize what I was doing. 

When I was stuck in the deepest grief, I was behaving as though I could stay in it long enough and life would say “Okay, okay. You win” and poof! 

Death would be reversed. None of it ever happened. We could all go on living again. 

I was truly operating on a belief that if my grief was deep enough and I held onto it, my time machine would appear. 

My thoughts didn’t always believe that though. 

They would jump from lunacy to reality back and forth. 

I didn’t believe that anything would change, but I was desperately looking for what would take it all back. 

I was effectively staying stuck in my loss. 

There was no winning. 

There was no healing. 

There was no living. 

I manifested more pain. 

I manifested more fear. 

It was the worst time of my life and it was all so messy that I had no idea where to even start let alone how to make it through. 

I started slowly. 

I needed to start something new. 

For me, the first step was yoga. 

It was difficult, and I was more uncomfortable than I had ever felt in a group setting in my entire life. I knew that I didn’t belong there. I knew that I was completely out of shape and I felt absolutely disgusted with myself and who I had become. I cried in class. Sometimes I had a full on meltdown of self doubt and would want to just lay down and quit. 

Something inside me kept me going though. 

Something was happening when I was forced to think about how much I hated something else for an hour of my day. 

And, once I knew how much I truly hated it, I thought about how much I hated it a lot more of my day. 

I kept going though because eventually, I realized, I didn’t hate yoga. 

I hated who I was at the moment and that yoga was so hard for me to do. 

I went from being a happy, bubbly, athlete – to this overweight, depressed, sweaty alcoholic that couldn’t even touch my shins let alone my toes. 

I didn’t know who I was anymore. 

Little by little, class after class, I was able to touch my toes again. I was able to see my tenacity. I was starting to see glimpses of my former self, but she was different. It felt like recognizing someone, but having no idea who they were. 

I wanted to know who I was now. 

I wanted to meet more of myself. 

I was starting to like her again. 

While the grief never left, it shifted. The process yoga was taking me through was allowing me to coexist with my trauma while allowing me to live. 

It didn’t have to be all or nothing anymore. 

It allowed me to accept that the situation wasn’t going to change, and if I wanted to be connected to what I was missing, I had to do it in a healthy way. It allowed me to understand that, while death is permanent- energy never leaves us. 

I started sitting outside and letting myself feel the air, soaking in the beauty of the trees, the sky, the clouds, all of it. Nature soothed my soul. I could hear them, I could feel them. Nature restored my connection with the otherside. 

It doesn’t have to be devastating. It just has to be different. 

The more I accomplished within my own skin through movement, the more I was able to truly see myself, and the more I was able to appreciate and love myself. 

The better I felt about myself- the better the journey became. 

My beliefs about what I could and couldn’t do changed because now I had experience that showed just how much more I could do than I ever realized.  I could reroute my thoughts too.

 Now I could clearly see all the doubt that I had at the beginning of my yoga journey vs where I was now. 

And there I was signing up for an intensive schedule to become a 200-hour yoga instructor. 

I didn’t have any crutches. 

Nobody was coming with me. 

It was me, stepping into the unknown willingly because I could feel it in my soul that it was the right move. 

I wanted the challenge. 

It was me spending every last dime of my savings and trusting that it would all work out. 

It was me- going all in on my new dreams because that feeling in my soul told me that there was something big here. 

 I had to trust in this feeling and I had to go all in. 

I did. 

It changed my entire life in ways I never saw coming. 

It started a fire in my soul that I had been searching for the strength to go after for a lifetime. 

It all led me here. 

Manifesting isn’t putting stickers on a board and calling it a day. While it is a great tool to use so that you can remember more often why you want those things, it isn’t a magic wand.  

Manifesting isn’t thinking about how cool it would be if one day the things you dream of come true, although it is a fun place to enhance those feelings, it requires more work than just thinking about them. 

Manifesting is building your inner world first. 

It is finding a deep belief that everything you desire is already yours. 

Manifesting is believing that you are worthy of your biggest dreams, while knowing that you can and will dream up and achieve so much more. 

Manifesting is finding things that make you vibrate and come to life on the inside and moving towards the unknown. 

It requires putting action into every day so you become closer to all that you desire. 

It’s learning new skills, taking risks, and putting yourself out there so that allllll of those baby steps you take each day build your belief that it truly is possible. 

New skills and experiences put you closer to that reality, and when you are moving towards your goals- you are able to see more and more clearly that OF COURSE all of these dreams can come true! 

If you truly want something, and it isn’t happening- it doesn’t necessarily mean it isn’t meant for you. 

It may just be highlighting where you aren’t seeing yourself enough. 

It may be showing where you need some more self love, more belief in your capabilities. 

When you truly start to trust the journey you know that nothing meant for you will miss you. In fact, it will appear and it will be right on time. 

Keep going.
The only thing that is holding you back is you. 

Take responsibility for your suffering. 

That doesn’t mean it’s fair what happened, but it did. This is the life you are living. Keeping yourself stuck won’t change things. The power always comes from what you do with your story. 

Allow yourself to come to life. 

This story is yours for a reason. 

You know what happened. 

You know why it hurts. 

Now it’s time to find why it’s yours. 

You are magic. 

You are love. 

You are light. 

You are part of the balance between the hard and the healing. 

Breathe.