Getting in the Mirror

I spent a lot of my life being scared. I felt it all the time, but I did a really good job on the outside pretending that I was never scared. 

I was never being honest, I was living two lives. One outward, one inward. 

I didn’t realize that was true until I started trying to live more authentically. 

Living more authentically started in the mirror. 

I couldn’t tell you when I stopped looking in the mirror. 

I honestly didn’t know that I did until I went to school to become a health and wellness coach. 

When I started the course, they coached us. We got to feel what it was like to be on the other side of the sessions. We got to see how powerful and life changing it all was first hand. 

The first assignment was to look in the mirror. 

Really take yourself in and see what your thoughts are and how you feel. 

It surprised me that my initial reaction was “I don’t want to.” 

I shook it off, took a breath and stood in front of the full length mirror.

I felt like I was looking at a stranger. 

It felt overwhelming. 

This wasn’t what I looked like in my head.

How long had it been since I looked in a freaking mirror!? 

I didn’t know what I was looking at. 

I didn’t like what I was looking at. 

When did this happen?

Why did this happen?

I felt so far away from myself. 

Where did I go? 

I stopped looking in the mirror. 

My awareness had shifted. I had been avoiding the mirror for a long time. 

 I started putting a conscious effort into how I was treating myself. 

All day long I would catch myself in thoughts that I could now see so clearly. 

I could see where I wouldn’t speak up and my mood tanked. 

I could see where I let frustrations build up and I snapped. 

I could see when I was being unkind to myself, and eating out of control.

I could see when I was being unkind to others, and doing a lot of blaming.

It felt like flipping a switch. 

The light came on. 

I was going to be nice to myself. 

I was going to do this all differently. 

The next time I looked in the mirror, I was going to see something else. 

Staying present, kind and calm was a lot more challenging than I bargained for. 

It felt so awkward. 

I was catching myself so quickly. 

I could see where I was resisting the lessons that life was trying to hand me. I could see my impatience creating unnecessary havoc. 

I could see the thought loops my brain would make around negative situations, hurt feelings, and fears. 

I could see how much those loops and negative energy hurt my body. How much I stored within. 

I could also see the solutions. 

Clear as day. 

The answers. 

Most of the time I was smooth sailing with this new information. I was loving myself, rerouting my thoughts, and building a positive life. 

I was doing pretty great with life. I was proud of myself. My mood was consistently good and I was truly starting to understand that when I focused on what I love about my life, I got more of those things. 

I felt a lot more good energy. 

When I got in the mirror it felt like seeing an old friend. 

It made me happy. My soul lit up.  

My eyes looked so bright and fierce. There was so much life in them. 

My skin was glowing. My hair was wavy and wild and just felt like me. I smiled because I love to. My outfit was comfy and cute exactly as I would want it to be. I noticed my curves changing shape on me and I realized that I was falling in love with who I was becoming. 

This was the best I had ever felt in my skin. 

I was so happy to be home. 

Tears filled my eyes. 

My shoulders felt like so much weight had lifted off of them. 

It allowed me to become acutely aware of how much my self esteem depended on my mood. Once I truly understood just how much my mood influenced my days, the kinder to myself I became, the more rich my life felt. 

This taught me something so valuable. Something that I had been searching for in others for a lifetime. I was never going to find it in anyone else. It was always within. 

I needed to meet myself without all the distractions, and without others’ opinions and beliefs. I needed to find my own. 

The more awareness I gained around this, the more deeply I understood my past and why I acted as I had. I could see what I could have done differently, and why and how I should do things differently going forward. I knew how to be more open minded, more peaceful and so many other things that helped me react less emotionally. 

It allowed me to trust in the journey more intimately. 

Most importantly, it allowed me to heal deeply so that I could let the past be the past. 

It freed me. 

I could have a future full of dreams that come true. 

This lesson has given me the gift of understanding that living in the past, and praying for the future keeps me stuck in a loop that goes nowhere. 

Caring deeply, leaning, and filling my days with things that fuel my soul is the path that has been customized to me. 

If I want to have fun living, I need to confidently play on my path. 

The path that I have been craving, searching for, and often mourning over- was never lost or so far away, like I thought. 

It was always right here patiently waiting for me.